Keep those good times comin’ (MIMM)

Oy, I can’t even believe we’re almost half-way through the month of AUGUST.  Where did this summer go?  It seems like we just started to get nice, warm weather here and it won’t be around for much longer!  Boo. 😦  But, I have been trying to spend as much time as I can outside and enjoying the weather.  It’s tough when you work a full-time job that’s in an office and then have other errands to do after work in the evening, but I still try and take advantage of whatever opportunity I can.  So, I thought I’d share some of the highlights of the past week/weekend with you for this weeks Marvelous in my Monday.

The evenings during the week have become really busy and occupied with things relating to finding a place and moving…but Wednesday night Scott and I had made plans to do something fun and get our minds off of house-hunting and moving.  In browsing who was coming to the state fair this year, I saw Peter Frampton’s name as one of the headliners.  Now I have zero knowledge of any of the songs or the music he makes, but I remember that Scott had mentioned liking him.  So when I saw that he was coming, I mentioned it to Scott to see if he’d like to go.  He was SO surprised and happy to hear that he was coming and immediately said ‘YES’!  (This is a rare thing, guys.  Scott is more of a follower of a song versus a follower of an artist, and doesn’t have many artists that he really likes.  But Peter Frampton he does really like and when he jumped at the chance to see him in concert, I knew he meant business! 😉 )

So we purchased some upper track seats for the grandstand earlier on and made our way down to the state fair park Wednesday evening.  The weather was absolutely perfect.  I may have commented on just how perfect the weather was about ohh 10 or more times 😛  But it was the best night temperature-wise and it felt so great to be outside!!  Survivor was opening for Peter Frampton, so we got to hear some of their songs, too.  Again, I’m not at all familiar with them, but I think me and the rest of the world knows the one song that they did, ‘Eye of the Tiger’.  If you’ve ever seen any of the 10+ Rocky movies you know what song this is.  (Ok, I know there aren’t 10, but there are a lotttt)

We had some loud mouths next to us for Survivor, so during the little intermission before Petey (as I jokingly called him to Scott, pretending he was my ‘good pal’) came on, we welcomed the opportunity to get up a bit and walk around.  We were able to find my favorite little place out of the whole fair while enjoying a beautiful sunset.

Yep, as some of you know I am a huge HUGE fan of kettle corn, as in, this is often the only reason why I will make a trip to the fair.  Usually we get at least a couple bags, and tonight was no different!  Mmm.  Nothing like kettle corn made straight from the kettle!  After getting our goods, we made our way back to the grandstand and still had some time before the concert, so we sat a little far off to the side from where our normal seats were.  We were approached by some random guy who said “Is it just you two?”  We kind of looked at each other, and then looked back at him and answered that it was just the two of us.  He then asked if we wanted to upgrade our tickets to the front row.  We were like…what’s the catch here and how much do we have to pay?!  He said he was Petey’s manager and had two extra front row tickets for the show…free of charge! The only thing we had to do was have a crazy fun time, dance during the show, no texting or talking on our phones, and no pictures after the third song.  We agreed, grabbed our front row tickets and made our way down front!  We still couldn’t believe that this was legit, and happening to US, out of nowhere!  Things like this never happen to us!  But sure enough, we had FRONT AND CENTER SEATS!  There were two other couples up there who had the same thing happen to them and couldn’t believe it either.  Even though I’m not familiar with Petey and his music, this was going to be a fun experience! We got a few more instructions from his manager, and then the show started!

The show was actually a lot of fun and my oh my is Petey talented!  WOW!  I had no idea.  For being in his 60s, he sure can still put on a really awesome show.  Definitely a fun night!

I also got this awesome package in the mail this week…I ordered the new tank that just came out last week!  Definitely loving it.

I happily took the day off on Friday, so my week was short which was really nice.  My mom had used some vacation time this week from work, so I asked if they’d want to spend the afternoon together and they jumped at the chance to do so!  I spent the morning slowly waking up, which just felt so nice!  Then I met up with my parents and we went to Cedarburg, a super cutesy town nearby where we live, and got lunch at Cream & Crepe and then walked around the town and checked out some of the shops.

My parents are just the cutest.  I had such a good time with them.  I love my parents to pieces…we just don’t have enough quality time together, but that is something that we all would like to see changed, so I think we’ll have many more of the cute little dates together coming up 🙂  After we got back, I worked out a bit, made some dinner, and finished up a blog that I had started earlier in the day.  Then I decided to pick myself up, and move myself down to the lake since Scott was doing some things at his mom’s house in the evening.  The weather was so nice…and it was just perfect to do some reading.

Saturday morning I woke up relatively early, but had the chance to relax a bit and wake up slowly, which was nice.  Scott and I had two appointments in the morning to go check out a couple places.  Both the places we saw seem like viable options for us! Of course, though, there are a few drawbacks.  1) The first place we saw, which we really loved, was just a little more expensive than we were hoping to spend per month and 2) the second place was a little far away from where we both work and the kitchen was a little cramped (which is one of the things we currently have where we are at now, and said we NEVER wanted to have again!)  So we’ll see.  The first place is a 3 bedroom unit, and we have no need for that much space, and also it’s the reason it’s more costly, so we contacted them after the fact to see if there were any 2 bedroom units left for renting.  We’ll see what we find out, and in the meantime we’ll try discussing our options and see what we think might work best.

My afternoon plans fizzled out but I wanted to make use of the time I had to myself since Scott was again busy.  I went out to read again…which was really nice.  The weather couldn’t have been anymore perfect than it was.  Just beautiful!!  I loved just laying in the grass and reading.  (And I sported my new top, too!)

 The rest of the day was pretty chill and pretty uneventful.  But in the evening Scott and I had a pretty good talk about some things that have been weighing on my mind lately, which actually was really nice.  Sometimes my mind goes 1000 miles an hour and it’s nice to just get those thoughts out and get a more rational approach on things from someone else.

Sunday, I completely failed to take like any pictures of my day.  I had a really really great morning!  I got to see one of my best friends who I haven’t seen in FOREVER and it just felt so good to be reunited with her again (AND she is back to stay in Milwaukee for at least two years!!)  When you find someone who just accepts you for you, and just makes life better, it’s a treasure you can’t simply let go of…and I’m so glad our friendship has stuck through good and bad times.

Sunday afternoon was a bit rough for me, but fortunately I had Scott there to pick me up a bit and I was able to talk to a few other friends about what I was struggling with, which really helped.  After that, my mood definitely improved and I felt a new sense of hope and strength.  I ran errands and got food and meals ready for the start of the new week and the evening was just spent with Scott and my kitties, which is EXACTLY the night I needed.  Ready to tackle a new week and keeping optimistic that it will be a good one!  Much love ❤

 

Trusting the process – WIAW

I’ve been enjoying many many tasty eats recently!  So I thought I’d join up with the tasty eating party over at Peas & Crayons for WIAW!

Breakfasts have been pretty dang consistent lately because I am absolutely in LOVE with what I’ve been having.  Yogurt mixed with cereal has been so tasty lately!  I missed yogurt so so much and I am so happy I’ve welcomed it back (with open arms!)  Plus, it just seems to be so refreshing now that warm/hot weather has finally made its way to Wisconsin!  I usually throw some almonds and dried fruit/raisins in the mix…but now love that a lot more fruit is in season, so I can add in some fresh fruit, too!  I’ve been adding in fresh, chilled grapes this week and I am loving them!  Especially since summer air has rolled in with hot and humid temps!

My morning snack lately has been unsalted saltines.  (That sounds funny, doesn’t it?  The cracker’s root word is ‘salt’ and they are unsalted.  So maybe these should just be called ‘ines’?!?  Why did I not go into marketing/advertising?  ;))  They have just hit the spot lately.  Sometimes I’ll pair them with peanut butter, other times I just like ’em plain.  But the days I have them plain do very little to fill my tummy, so I usually dig into lunch a bit earlier on those days.

Lunches are pretty plain jane.  I’m the master of sandwiches.  But, you know what?  I flippin’ love sandwiches!  I don’t care that they are simple and pretty boring and uneventful.  They are tasty!  I love the turkey, mayo and hummus combo I’ve been having lately.  I try to always include a veggie with lunch and milk.  My favorite veggies are carrots, sliced peppers and tomatoes…sometimes just one, sometimes all three!  Adding milk has been a HUGE change for me.  I never had anything with calcium while I was restricting and know that due to my ED my bone health took a hit.  So I’ve been working really hard to get natural, food-based forms of calcium into my diet again, instead of relying on calcium supplements alone.

Afternoon snacks can be the ‘grab a little bit of this, a little bit of that’ type of scenario.  I get munchy, but not sure what I’m really in the mood for so grab a bite of this and a bit of that.  Sometimes some cereal, sometimes some kettle corn, sometimes carrots.  Carrots and hummus is always a good pairing.  I will usually always have a granola bar and some trail mix packed along too.  Those are my usual go-tos, just because of the convenience and because I virtually will always have these things around the house or packed with me!

Dinners have been pretty simple lately.  I usually opt for quick dinners since I have a lot I try and fit in in the evenings.  Taking time to cook and prepare meals has not really been my thing.  Although, I definitely appreciate and understand the importance of prepared meals.  But, sometimes quick meals can be just as satisfying!

Chicken with balsamic vinegar and quinoa, side salad with italian dressing, milk.

Chicken marsala with pasta, side salad with italian dressing, milk

Turkey and cheese sub, pasta salad, fresh fruit

Quinoa with chicken and the BEST seasoning, peppers with hummus, milk

Speaking of the best seasoning ever….yeah, this stuff makes everything taste awesome!

I mix it in with anything and everything, seriously!

Panda Express mushroom chicken, string bean chicken, rice, and mixed veggies

My evening ‘snacks’ have still been a weak point for me and my hardest and most-lingering behavior I still have and struggle with in my recovery.  I have successfully gone 30+ days with eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner and most often including morning, afternoon, and evening snacks, as I promised my parents I’d do for my gift to them for their anniversary.  But I have had a hard time, still, letting go of the binging at night.  I am going “double or nothing” and going for another 30 days with my meals and eating…this time though, I’m placing special emphasis on changing my nights up so that I start to really reduce and eventually entirely eliminate my binges at night.

So instead of sharing with you what my normal binges look like (because lets be honest, there is nothing awesome about it or worth sharing), I’ll share the snack I had Monday night, the first night I successfully implemented my plan of going to bed early when my husband does (which NEVER happens!) since I will binge when he’s asleep, and waking up early the following morning to get my workout in first thing in the morning.  Half a serving of pretzels.  Yep, just plain old gluten free pretzels.  (Not really on a gluten free diet, but I bought them and actually like them better than normal pretzels because they are much crunchier!)  That was ALL.

Knowing what I normally eat when I binge, to what I did have is SUCH a huge contrast.  I felt amazing.  I had a bit of a harder time settling in to bed, since I’m used to going to bed feeling really full, but fell asleep much quicker than I thought I would.  I woke up bright and early and also got my workout in for the day.  It felt great.  My hunger has been really revved up from a combination of not eating much before bed and working out in the morning, and I am OVERJOYED!  This is what I have been working sooooo hard for.  Eating healthy and balanced meals and snacks, exercising in moderation, and feeling good.  I really want to keep this up so I’m going to do everything in my power to do so!  In seeing just how great I feel after one night, I have to keep pushing forward.  The feeling is too sweet to let go of.  I will fight with every ounce of my being!

So that’s what’s up in the world of my eats.  I can’t wait to munch on some more goodies and get more comfortable with eating more during the day and less at night!  It’s exciting to be excited about food! 😉

 

All the fun times

Life has been a whirlwind lately.  But a really good, fun, awesome, enjoyable whirlwind!  I will share some picture highlights since I’ve been so busy and writing long, wordy posts just isn’t going to happen.  I think the pictures will speak for themselves, though 😀  It’s time for some marvelous talk to link up with Katie!

Thursday night Scott and I went to the Riverside Theatre to see Lindsey Stirling.  Dia Frampton of Archis was the opener.  Super fun, awesome show!  We got general admission seats when we first got there, then upgraded to the pit so we could be down in front for Lindsey!

Friday night Scott and I went to see The Fault in Our Stars.  It was a really good movie but very heavy.  I definitely recommend it if you’re looking for something a little more serious and are ready to be emotional!

Saturday was a pretty chill morning.  I had a relaxed morning, did some laundry and worked out. The kitties definitely made an appearance and snuggled with me 🙂

In the early afternoon, the family met up to head down to Lake Geneva for the afternoon and evening!  It was my brother’s gift to my parents for their anniversary to take them out for dinner.  Even though their anniversary was a few weeks ago, we scheduled out a bit since we were so busy.  The weather was great!

We enjoyed walking around down by the lake and all going in some of the little stores in the town.  Scott got to be pretty dramatic and I snagged THE BEST t-shirt.  If any of you have ever seen Big Bang Theory, then you will get the reference.  It’s doubly perfect since I am a crazy cat lady 😉

Scott also found a hilarious book that is JUST like his sense of humor….it was pretty amazing to find a book that is just as corrupt as he is! 😉  Some of them ARE pretty funny though! 😀

After walking around for a while, it got close to dinner time and we certainly worked up an appetite!  Travis had picked out an Italian restaurant to take my parents too.  Since the weather was so perfect, we decided to dine outside!  Yippie!  One of my favorite things about warm weather!!

Endless bread with olive oil with parmesean cheese grated right at your table.  Table-side salad made with their delicious house dressing and Chicken Marsala was on my menu.  It was SO good.  Plus, it felt so great to go out to dinner at a restaurant and be able to order whatever I wanted, eat what I wanted and NOT have anxiety surrounding a meal.  I  just fully enjoyed myself and the company of my family.  It was one of the best experiences I’ve had eating out.  It is so nice feeling normal.  Each day I keep pushing forward, I gain more confidence and the distance between me and my eating disorder grows more and more!

After getting back home, we read some of Scott’s new book and watched a movie and just relaxed.  We had been busy going out the last few nights, so a nice quiet night in sounded perfect.

Sunday morning I actually got to sleep in a considerably decent amount…read: 8:30!  That is pretty late for me…considering Saturday morning the kitties had me up by 6 am.   Dexter somehow managed to get me to surrender the pillow to him at some point throughout the night…

I spent some time editing some pictures and listening to 90s songs!  I don’t know where the idea even came from, but there were so many fun songs that I used to love when I was a kid and I haven’t heard them in forever.  So I flashbacked a bit to some fun songs from the past.  It was so entertaining.  Plus, I discovered this video…definitely how Dexter felt about when we brought little Meeko home…

The rest of the day was a blur!  Scott wasn’t feeling well at all, so he spent a lot of the morning on the couch just resting.  I got in a 3 mile run/1 mile walk, Scott and I met up with his mom to check out a rental place (even though Scott still wasn’t feeling too good) in the early afternoon, we swapped some dressers from Scott’s moms place to the apartment, and then I got home and cleaned the “new” dresser which his mom found at a rummage sale for $5.  After cleaning out the dresser, I threw my clothes all back in.  I came out on our balcony to see this:

So.dang.cute!  😀  Scott was still not feeling great, but Dexter was clearly taking good care of him!  I ran to a few different stores, then made my way to get my grocery shopping done.  I got home and ate a quick dinner, and then Scott and I (since he was feeling a bit better by then) met up with my brother and sister-in-law around 7 to head down to Milwaukee for the evening.  We were hoping to be able to catch the Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra for a concert in the park but got there just as they were wrapping up, so we hung out in the park a bit, then roamed around in Milwaukee down by the river.

It was such a crazy, busy, whirlwind of a weekend but it was absolutely marvelous.  I spent it doing some really marvelous things, with some really marvelous people, enjoying some really marvelous weather.  I seriously couldn’t have had a better one!  Hope you all had a great one and are ready for the new week!  ❤

 

All that I’m gaining

For today’s Thinking Out Loud, hosted by the lovely Amanda, I’m devoting it to one subject that has been on my mind a lot lately.  On May 16th, I made a promise as part of an anniversary gift to my parents, that for a period of 30 days, I’d eat breakfast, lunch and dinner each day, following my meal plan, and would also work to incorporate snacks into my day as well.  I also talked about my desire to go 30 nights without binging.  I happily have hit every single meal since May 16 and have also (most times) added my morning snack, afternoon snack and evening snack to my day.  I have had a few occasions of still giving into a binge at night, but have severely reduced my binges.  I find that it will often happen when a change in routine happens or when I’m more active during the day and fail to add more food to my meals and snacks to account for the extra physical activity.  But, I expected it wouldn’t be easy just to go cold turkey after binging almost every night for quite a long, long time.

Regardless, I have noticed a few things since starting this “challenge”…

1) Eating regularly makes me feel better about myself and confident in myself and my progress.  There was a time where I thought I would never be able to do it, never be able to eat regularly and not have negative thoughts surrounding every meal.  But, I have had the opposite effect.  It has given me more confidence because I’ve been able to eat regularly without the negative thoughts surrounding my meals.

2) It is much easier to eat regular meals than I thought it would be.  I thought it would take a while for my body to get used to eating regular meals and for the hunger cues to start occurring normally, but it’s amazing just how quickly my body responded and got used to eating regular meals, which included proteins, fats, carbs, fruits and veggies.  My body called for food when it needed it and felt satisfied when I ate a balanced meal.  

3) I feel healthier.  This could be solely psychological, but I feel much better.  I feel happier.  I feel healthier.  I feel more energized.  Who would have thought that eating actual real meals with real nutritious value (instead of all the snick-snacking and binging on candy and sugary junk) would do a person some good?!  I have just enjoyed eating so much more.  I no longer view it as a stressful or anxiety-provoking experience.  It’s now pleasurable (but in a normal way, not how binging was “enjoyable” for me)

4) I don’t over-think about food, my weight or exercising anymore.  Every now and then I will still think about food and calories, etc. but it has lessened so much!  Plus, when I’m eating full, well-balanced meals that incorporate fats, proteins, and carbs, I eat a meal and feel satisfied and no longer desire more food.  I eat and am satisfied.  Exercise has even taken a much healthier and balanced place in my life.  I still like to be active, especially when it’s something I can do outside to enjoy the beautiful weather.  But I’ve been really taking it easy on my body, running if and when my body feels up to it.  I’ve been including many more walks in place of runs and that is just fine by me.  I also never weigh myself anymore.  I have been doing great with this for a long long lonnnnggg time now.  I have a scale at home, in my own bathroom, but I never step on it.  I just really don’t care.  Because now I realize and know that this stuff has nothing to do with my weight or the number on the scale.  My main goal has been to normalize my eating habits (i.e. eating regular meals during the day and reducing the binging at night) and not about the weight or numbers anymore.  So the only time I really plan on getting weighed going forward is when I go to the doctor.  Otherwise, there really simply is no need to know the number.  I’m not afraid of it, but don’t see the need to give myself any reason to entertain a number that means nothing as far as my worth is concerned.

5) I am much happier.  MUCH HAPPIER.  I don’t feel controlled by my eating disorder anymore.  Each day I make a good choice, a choice for me, my health and recovery, I gain back more and more of my life from my ED.  I become freer each day.  I used to feel like things were hopeless and as if I would never make progress.  But I am.  And it feels so dang good.  I am able to be present with my family and friends.  I am able to laugh…really, truly laugh and feel it instead of faking happiness.  I am able to fully enjoy experiences and be in the moment, instead of being distracted or thinking about food or eating or calories.

Speaking of weight, I have also been at a pretty steady, healthy weight for a while now.  I don’t really know if and when any changes really take place or when my weight goes up or down, but I know that its been pretty steady for a while and I’ve been at a healthy weight.  But, I believe my inconsistencies with eating and lack of proper, balanced nutrition left me at an unhealthy place.  I had not had a period since January of 2013 and was waiting for it to return because then I knew that my body finally reached a healthy place, where it could operate as a normal, 24-year old female body should.  Last week, I had a much anticipated “visitor” return!  Not to be too graphic but I expected my first one in over a year and a half to be a little lighter than normal, but instead it was just the opposite, a healthy normal period.  This made me so happy (and grumpy and irritable, and feeling pretty icky) because I now knew that I really had reached a good place.

In addition to finally eating normal, balanced meals, and the return of my long-lost “friend”, I have also had a change in how I see myself.  I have gained some weight, which was much needed as I am now realizing, and as a result my body is changing.  My waist and stomach is getting a bit pudgier, my legs are getting a bit bigger and dimplier, my arms are getting bigger.  (Pros: my chest is also getting a bit bigger, too! ;))  Clothes that once fit very loosely, now fit comfortably but snugly.  Shorts and jeans that once fit comfortably, no longer fit at all.  Tops that once hung loosely on me and around my arms, now sit a bit more snugly to my body.  Changes.  But the changes aren’t anywhere near as scary as they were in the past.  I have gone through this process before, but sadly I let it derail me because I didn’t accept it and I ended up losing much of the weight I had gained.  This time, however, I’m feeling much more comfortable in my new skin.  Don’t get me wrong…I don’t really love (at least not yet!) my body and everything I see, but I’m steadily learning to accept it.  Acceptance is a huge accomplishment.  I no longer look at my body and point out the things that I need to work on or change.  I have accepted that my body, at a healthy place, will never be toned and trim.  For me to be healthy, I will need to have a little extra cushion on me.  My stomach will not be flat, my legs will not be free of cellulite and my arms may jiggle a little bit when I wave, but you know what?  That is OK.

I have spent too much time trying to chase this ideal of what I think I should look like, or what others expect me to look like.  It’s stupid and exhausting.  I know being thin does not equate to happiness or contentment or satisfaction.  In fact, when I was thinner, I didn’t like my body, but hated it.  My mind was so distorted from lack of proper nutrition from starving myself that I still saw all the “fat” and imperfections on my body.  But now, I have a much better view of myself and my body.  I have reached a point of acceptance and I even have moments where I actually feel love for my body and like what I see in the mirror.  I have had more than a few occasions when I’ve looked at my stomach, with a little extra fluff and pudge, and felt content with how it looked, if not satisfied with how it looked.  I’ve got curves and an actual frame, instead of being curve-less.  I look like a grown, 24-year-old woman, instead of a 13 year old girl.  Yes, there are the crappy, down days here and there, too…and that is to be expected.  But they are becoming fewer and fewer as time goes by.

I’ve been able to rock some outfits that I normally would have run far, far away from because I would have been embarrassed to show certain areas of my body.  Not only have I worn them, but I have felt beautiful and sexy and proud of my body in them.  That is uncharted territory for me!  But it is such a wonderful and exciting feeling.  I remember thinking a couple months ago that come summer, I would NOT be comfortable wearing shorts, unless they were more capri-like and came no higher than the knee because of my upper thighs and the cellulite and loose skin I have from my initial weight loss years ago.  But, I’ve been rocking the short shorts.  I don’t like being hot and uncomfortable.  I like it much less than I care about what people think of how my legs look.  I want to be comfortable, I want to wear what I want to wear, and I am entitled to do so.  I am no longer letting my body hold me back from being me.

 

I also feel much more feminine and sexy than I ever have before.  (Not to mention, the hubby finds me extremely attractive with a little extra weight on me)  I am slowly but surely distancing myself more and more from my eating disorder, challenging a lot of those last few remaining behaviors or thoughts that have kept me stuck.  I’m feeling freer by the day, week and month.  It’s a wonderful way to feel.

So while I have become more comfortable with wearing outfits that I normally wouldn’t wear or would have felt extremely self conscious in, I have not sported a swimsuit yet this season so I’m not entirely sure how I’ll feel in that, strutting it around at the beach, but I guess we’ll see.  I will take it a day at a time and keep working to make progress.  I’m happy with how I’ve been able to move forward and I am hopeful that it will only continue.

 

The Importance of Goals & Setting Goals for Week 1

When I was part of an intensive outpatient program for my eating disorder, we set weekly goals. There were three categories: nutrition, behavior, and values. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about different ways to set a spark in my recovery and thought that I would actively start setting small, weekly goals for myself…something to actively be working on or working towards. I like the idea of keeping the same categories, as they seem to be realistic for me. Yesterday I set my goals for the first week, from Wednesday April 30, 2014 through Tuesday May 6, 2014. Because I like sharing my journey and because I like the idea of sharing any victories (and conversely, struggles) that I have, I will be incorporating them into my blog.

4/30/14-5/6/14 Goals

• Nutrition: Get more protein. At least two (2) nights this week, incorporate protein into my snacking.
• Behavior: Go at least one night without binging on sugary/sweet foods.
• Values: Seriously consider asking my parents if I can eat dinner with them (and do it!) or ask to go out to dinner or have them over for dinner 1 night this week

These may seem very small, unimportant goals, but to me they are very significant and they are manageable. My mentality, at least starting off, is to set small goals that are realistic and attainable for me. I don’t want to have the mentality of setting big goals that will be virtually impossible for me to meet early on, because then inevitably I’ll become easily discouraged. I’ve done that in the past and learned my lesson from it. So instead, I will use the mantra “don’t bite off more than you can chew” (sort of a pun, isn’t it?!)

So, we’ll see how this goes. I think I am in need of something to actively work toward in order to get me moving forward in recovery. As I mentioned, I have been resting somewhere in the field of “recovery”, not actively in my eating disorder, but not in or pushing towards recovery. I think this will get me to push myself a little more and reach out for bigger goals and challenges in the future. I’m looking forward to seeing how this all goes!

 

being afraid of a piece of paper

From my days at an intensive outpatient treatment center, I received a meal plan to aid me in my recovery. I have had tweaks and changes throughout my time in therapy, yet have still always had a meal plan to follow. The last meal plan I received, I wrote down on a small square piece of paper, a piece of paper that I took with me each day, usually folded up in my daily planner (or when I was actively writing down what I ate on a daily basis, it would be paper-clipped in to the little notebook I used). It can’t be any bigger than 4.5″ x 4.5″; just a small square piece of paper.

Each day I’d bring it with me, each day I’d quietly ignore it and not pay any attention to it. Yet, each day it would still come with me. I’d be fully aware that I have it. fully aware of what it contains. Yet, each day I would not attempt to follow it. It would remain folded up, tucked away.

It’s a sad thing to say that you’re afraid of a 4.5″ x 4.5″ piece of paper…but I was, I am. (A 24 year old girl afraid of paper…) I have ignored it for so long, unwilling to try to follow it for quite sometime. Granted, don’t get me wrong, there were moments when I did try to follow it. I wasn’t always actively rebelling against it. Yet little bumps along the road come along, as is expected in recovery, and I allowed these little bumps to derail me slowly but surely. I got used to doing ‘my thing’ which wasn’t really dangerous, but it wasn’t healthy either. I got used to my foods, the things that I liked and would eat almost every day, on repeat. I’d eat during the day, but definitely not enough…I’d eat enough to ward off any pesky hunger pangs, but the minimal amount I had to. That allowed me to “save up” for my “inevitable” night time binge. And again, there were days where I did good and didn’t binge. Or simply nights when I overate (which is VERY different than a binge). But the overwhelming majority of my nights consisted of binging. Some nights much worse than others.

I am not a stupid girl. I get the concept: eat more during the day, binge less (or not at all!) at night. It’s a beautiful idea, a wonderful notion, and it makes sense to the logical part of my brain. I get it. But, the implementing of it…that’s another story. If you asked me why I have such reservations about committing to my meal plan, I could probably give a handful of reasons. I am afraid, would be one. I don’t trust myself, would be another. I know a meal plan like this is geared towards me individually and what MY body needs, yet it’s a hard concept for me. I’ve never reached a point where I ate ‘right’. By that I mean, as far back as I can remember, I overate. When I was young I ate a lot, and ended up gaining a lot of weight. Then, came the gradual slide into eating only healthy foods and then sliding even further into my anorexia. So I’ve never really had a point where I had a balance. I have no reason to believe that my body will find its healthy resting point if I eat ‘normally’.

But, this halfsies thing isn’t cutting it either. I’m not sick but not recovered. It’s that awful middle ground where I have been stuck for a long time. Because the reality is, I am not being healthy. I know that if I don’t get it figured out, eventually it will impact my health for the worse. It’s been on my mind A LOT. The fact that it has is further evidence that this is a problem. If it is going to be so consistently on my mind, I’m obviously not where I want or need to be. So, today, I pulled out that little 4.5″ x 4.5″ inch square of paper that was so neatly folded and tucked into my planner.

I unfolded it, looked it over and found myself thinking ‘this? this is what you’re so afraid of?!?’ This little slip of paper and the letters that formed words that formed the ever-feared ‘meal plan’. I looked it over and found myself thinking, ‘this really isn’t so bad’. It seemed pretty attainable, pretty realistic, pretty standard. There was nothing over-the-top about it. By the way I avoided it, you would think it told me to eat every minute of every day. But when I really looked at it, it seemed balanced, it seemed…normal.

What happens when you continue to stare at something that once gave you fear? Often, yet not always, that fear starts to dissipate. The thing that once caused you endless amounts of fear, no longer holds that grip over you. All throughout the rest of the afternoon, I kept looking at that 4.5″ x 4.5″ piece of paper and thought about what was written on it.  It sits within arms reach now, lying on the floor next to me.  I have been thinking about it a lot, not avoiding the thought of it like I so often did in the past.  I think I’ll continue to think about it and stare down the enemy a little bit more…and hopefully in enough time that fear of taking that jump will slowly fade away.  I feel pretty confident that I’m headed in the right direction.

I joined a few online eating disorder support groups in the last few days and weeks and I don’t quite think I’ve felt this way, nor have I been so openly exposed to so many who are either currently struggling or have struggled with an eating disorder as I have now.  Hearing all these people share their stories, share their struggles, share their goals and the minor victories they have has created a change down deep in me.  I wish I could put it into words for you, but it’s too hard to properly explain.  These people, who don’t know the person on the other side of the screen who chooses to open themselves up, offer support, suggestions, encouragement and strength to complete strangers.  There are people on the other side of the world who have been my biggest source of strength and support lately.  We may not know each other personally, but we do know each others’ struggle…and we all have the hope, wish or desire that all of us can reach recovery.

I will never quit fighting, no matter how many highs or lows I experience.  Is it tiring?  Yes.  Are there moments that just make me question whether I will ever get to a fully healthy and normal place?  Yes.  But I can’t let that flicker of hope ever fade away.  It’s just not the type of person I am.  No matter what struggles I face, I know that if I keep going, if I keep pushing forward, I will get to that elusive place of happiness and contentment, the place of recovery.

 

All about portions

One thing that I’ve always struggled to get a clear concept of while in my binge eating mode was portions.  When I got stuck in the binge-mode, I often lost control over what I was all eating.  I simply inhaled the food, more than I did actually chew it thoroughly and let the food actually settle in my stomach.  I would grab a bag of ‘this’ or a box of ‘that’ and continue to eat copious amounts of food, with no regard to how much or how many servings I really ate.

The fact that I zoned out was a curse and a blessing.  It was a curse when I was in the moment because I lost total control over what I was really eating; it was a blessing so that I couldn’t distinctly remember after the fact, especially the next morning, how much I really took in.  The nutrition facts label or serving suggestion meant absolutely nothing to me.  It was as if those numbers didn’t exist.

Day four of my 50 day challenge: A picture of one snack you had today that you felt was a good portion size.

This was a portion/serving size of hot brown rice cereal, with blueberries and sprinkled with crushed up almonds and peanuts.  I felt this was a proper serving/portion size for me.  It was satisfying and I felt like I didn’t overdo it.

Admittedly, last night I ate a bit more than I needed to.  I will be extremely honest on here.  If I struggle, I will admit it.  If I binge, I will admit it.  If I do great, I will share that too.  This is all about being open and honest.  Last night, I wouldn’t say that I binged, but I definitely ate more than my hunger called for.  I did lose sit a bit of the portions and amounts that I was eating, but I feel like in the grand scheme of things, I stopped myself before I lost too much control.  So, I will definitely want to watch this more closely and keep it in check so as not to let it escalate.

 

Learn to love yourself

I know what you’re thinking.  What right does this girl have to talk to us about loving yourself?  Frankly, I’m wondering the same thing myself as I’m typing this.  I have struggled (and continue to) find my place of full acceptance and comfort with myself.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m much, much better than I was in the past.  As far as body image is concerned, I don’t look at myself with disgust like I once did.  But, I wouldn’t quite say I’m to the point where I fully love what I see either, and advocate how awesome it is to truly love my body.  I strongly admire women who are like that.  Especially those who aren’t skin and bones and have more curves.  It’s a beautiful thing to see a woman who loves what is her own, someone who truly owns their body and walks confidently in their skin.  I admire women like this.

I will be the first to admit that I have much room for growth in this area.  While my weight is not the reason that I binge or still struggle with my eating disorder behaviors, I definitely am not at the point where I fully love what I see.  My weight is a number that no longer binds me or causes anxiety for me.  But there are still things about my body that I don’t like.  I was obese when I was younger.  I never shared any of my ‘chubby’ pictures on my blog before for several reasons.  1) I never wanted to receive praise for all the weight that I lost, since that is what set me spiraling out of control and into my eating disorder, 2) I didn’t have many pictures of myself back in those days, and 3) there was no real point or purpose in digging that up again, since I don’t look back on the past with much happiness or fondness.  But, I see no reason not to anymore.

 

These pictures are some of the only few that I have in my possession anymore.  I think I have a few others at my parent’s house, but my mom took those when I was in the depth of my eating disorder, as she didn’t think me having them was a good idea.  These were taken around my senior year of high school, right when I was at my highest weight and shortly before I decided to make a change.  It still surprises me looking back at these pictures.  But the reality is, I never had a healthy relationship with food.  When I was in middle school and high school I overate.  I still vividly remember what a typical, normal day of eating looked like for me when I was in high school.  I remember eating two packages of pop tarts during the course of the morning, a normal, school-served lunch, then I’d make a trip to the snack bar and get either a dessert or a ‘junky’ snack (sometimes both) and have that.  Upon arriving home, I’d grab a few snacks from the pantry (usually chips and doritos, or chips and some cheese, or a piece of bread spread with peanut butter) all before having dinner in probably a matter of only two hours time.  I also had no concept of exercise.  Gym class was torture for me and nothing short of embarrassing.

I was never a very happy, social child growing up.  Plus, I was the type of girl who never talked about things on my mind or that worried me.  I kept every.single.thing to myself and internalized.  Eating was my escape.  Eating provided me with happiness and comfort.

Eventually I decided that it was time to do something about my weight.  I started to realize just how unhealthy I was and how unhappy I was with my weight.  So I started to diet and exercise.  I had done so in the past, but each time I’d lose a little weight and then give up right away.  But this time, things were different.  I actually managed to stick with it.  I started to feel the changes in my clothes, see the changes on the scale, and when I started receiving compliments from others, I was on cloud nine.  From the point I was my heaviest, to the point where I was at a good and healthy place, I had lost a total of 67 pounds.  Sadly, I didn’t know when or how to stop.  I eliminated more and more from my diet, exercised more and more, and being healthy slowly morphed into the start of my eating disorder.

Looking back through it all, I have so many regrets about how I handled things.  I wish I could go back and undo it.  I wish I could erase my dependency on food and unhealthy eating habits.  I wish I could go back and recreate a healthy beginning for myself, so that my disordered eating, my overexercising, and then onset of my eating disorder would never had happened.  But I can’t.  And all of the things from my past, have led me to where I am now, and to have the issues that I have with food, eating, body image, self-esteem and self-confidence.  While I know I will never be able to undo all of the things that have happened in my past, I have to look for a hope that I can have the ability to change my future.  I have to maintain that hope that just because all of this has been a part of my life for so long, for years upon years, that I will be able to create a new future for myself, a future that allows me to be healthy, and separated from my prior life.  I need to believe that I can find a happy and healthy medium, where I can eat normal, balanced meals, and no longer have disordered thoughts about food and exercise.  I will hold onto that hope; that dream.  The more I aim for that goal, the more I hope I will be able to make that a reality.

Day 2 of the 50-day binge free challenge is to post a recent picture of yourself! Don’t body-shame, name two things you like about yourself in this picture.

 

I went with two.  I chose the first, but then realized it only really showed my face, so I chose a second one that showed a bit more than my face.  I’ve always loved my eyes.  When I’m happy, or smiling, my eyes have a way of just lighting up.  You can instantly tell if I’m in a good mood by the way my eyes look.  I took both pictures yesterday.  The first picture was shortly after I had just completed my longest run to date, of 8 miles.  I had just eaten a very nutritious, well-rounded meal post-run to replenish what I had burned off, and was getting ready to spend the afternoon with my brother and sister-in-law.  I was feeling really happy and really content, and really proud of myself and my body for carrying me 8 miles.

The second picture, was a little bit later.  I decided the outfit I picked wasn’t quite warm enough for our weather (hence why the second picture has me in a different outfit)  Again, I felt very comfortable in this picture.  I was feeling really happy and content and the fact that I NEVER wear jeans on the weekend is a bit of a testament to that.  I hate jeans…I love comfy, unflattering clothes normally.  But I decided that I’d switch things up.  I like the fact that I pushed myself out of my comfort zone a bit.  If you dress in a way that looks as if you don’t value or respect your body, it will give off that vibe.  If you choose outfits that make you look like you took more time than just rolling out of bed and running a brush through your hair, you’ll feel better about yourself.

The truth is that I still very much identify with the girl in the first set of pictures.  People so often think that those who lose weight instantly feel great about themselves and like a whole new person.  I never really had that.  Granted, for a while I was pretty comfortable with my weight (non-coincidentally when I was at a healthy weight and still maintaining a well-balanced diet, before exercise and restriction took control).  The only difference now is that I’ve seen that chasing an impossible goal of ultimate thinness is striving after the wind.  It is simply unattainable.  I no longer wish to be ‘skinny’, but wish to be healthy and happy and comfortable in my skin.  The biggest piece of the puzzle that I really need to work out is the nutrition piece.  Once I figure that out and it comes all into place, I think I’m going to be in a pretty comfortable, happy, and content place.  I just need to keep on going and keep on fighting.  In time, I know I will learn to full love myself.

 

What is “normal”?

I read an article that caught my attention on my main Yahoo! page.  The title was ‘Exercise Addicts: Pushing Ourselves Too Far?’  I clicked in right away and started reading the story.  You can read it here.  I read the whole story and at first I felt a bit of shock when I read just the extent of how serious this woman’s addiction was.  But then, I started to understand.  When your brain is unhealthy, everything is taken to extremes.  Oftentimes logic and common sense are thrown out the window.  Even if you can see how dangerous your behavior and actions are, you often can feel powerless and end up going along with whatever your brain tells you to do.

I remember all too well how it feels to be caught in the dangerous place of an unhealthy mind.  No matter what logic or reasoning you could try to come up with on your own, or that others tried to convince you of, it just simply didn’t matter.  The fact that this poor woman was injuring herself so severely, yet couldn’t stop herself from her extensive workouts, is so sad.  But what made me even more sad was when I started to read the comments that people left in response to the article.  That’s when my heart truly sunk.  I can’t tell you how many people identified with this woman and either were currently addicted to exercising or in the past dealt with this addiction.  Even the ones who said they “were just being healthy” in describing their exercise habits, seemed to be either oblivious to their addiction or in denial.

What was also “interesting” (for lack of a better word) was just how many men also indicated that they, too, suffered from exercise addiction.  I think many people easily think that a lot of women are ones that face this addiction, paired with eating disorders in being more prevalent in women.  But the reality is that this addiction is prevalent in men, too.  Their reasons for over exercising may be different than women, however.  This article was a really interesting read.  The article referenced a few different reasons why men over exercise or have the tendency of over exercising.  It referenced that men who have a need for self-control and are high achievers.  This isn’t really all too surprising,  I found this to be interesting, “the population of exercise addicts is a bit different from that of, say, cocaine addicts. Exercise, like being thin, is highly reinforced by society, says Klein. “So for people driven to achieve, to be perfectionists, and to be in optimal health, it’s kind of understandable that they become excessive.””

Men, too, can easily be impacted by society.  We often think of the bombardment women face from media telling them how to lose “x” amount of pounds in “x” amount of days, or how eliminating ‘xyz’ from their diet will guarantee their losing weight.  Covers of magazines show thin, toned women and it’s all too easy to strive to reach that unrealistic ideal.  But when you think of it, men are faced with the same exact thing.

Granted, these magazines are more geared towards health and fitness, but even so, when men see these magazines and the chiseled, defined abs and arms of the people on the covers, they no doubt get the idea that they could attain that body if they work hard enough.  Media so easily lures us and draws us in.

But when you stop and think about it…about just how prevalent articles like this are on the shelves, or how we can find information about any diet or workout that is guaranteed to be the solution we were looking for, it really paints such a scary picture of reality for us.  This takes me to the title of this post.  In recovery from my eating disorder, I always told myself that I wanted to be “normal” someday.  That I wanted to reach a point where I could live my life normally with a normal view of health and exercise.  But now, I worry about what “normal” is.  Sadly, I think “normal” is becoming very unhealthy.  From reading all of the comments from that article, I see just how widespread and prevalent the need to compulsively exercise is.  And not just exercising, but the need to eat “healthy”.  We have taken these two ideas to such an unhealthy extreme.  Even us “healthy living bloggers” who claim they are healthy and being balanced, really aren’t in my eyes.  Again, it may be that some are in denial, or that some really don’t see the problem with their compulsive behavior.  But it isn’t healthy.

My RD told me what a healthy amount of exercise was.  Up until she told me, I really had absolutely no idea.  I was reading so many things online (including many blogs) about how people spent hours working out and didn’t miss a day.  My idea of “normal” was skewed.  When my RD told me what healthy was, I was shocked.  She told me that 150 minutes a WEEK was healthy.  That equated to 30 minutes a day, five days a week.  I can’t remember the last time that I saw someone openly say that they practiced 150 minutes of exercise a week.

The same thing goes with healthy eating.  What does that really mean?  It requires balance.  It requires flexibility.  It allows for exceptions.  There should be no rigidity or rules.  But again, finding someone that is a good example in the blogging world can be hard to do.  I’ve found some, however.  But again, I see more disordered eating than I do “healthy” eating.

What I’ve realized is that I can no longer use the idea of “normal” as my goal in recovery.  Sadly, the new normal is becoming more and more disordered and unhealthy.  I guess what I now realize is that I need to create my own normal.  I no longer can base my eating and my exercise on that of what others do.  It needs to be tailored to what I need and what I know that I can do.  I need to learn to turn off the idea that I can compare what I do and what I need to do to others.  My new normal is taking care of myself, compared to myself and where I once was and where I yet need to be.  The more I shut out what others do, the messages and ideas that are portrayed in the media, the more of an advantage I will be in and the healthier I will really become.

 

Learning What’s Really Important

Looking back on things, I have a lot of regret about how I treated myself.  I never really developed any form of self-love or acceptance of who I was, nor did I ever treat myself and my body as if it was something of the utmost value to me.  Instead, I treated it poorly.  This started from a young age.  I never valued the importance of taking care of my body; I shoveled food into my mouth with no consideration of what harm it could do to my body.  I ate junk food on a regular basis and in amounts that I had no need for.  I can’t remember ever having a healthy relationship with food.  Similarly, I would eat all of that junk food and not exercise.  I had no desire nor understanding of just how important it is to incorporate a healthy amount of exercise into my life.  The times when I did have to exercise (i.e. gym class) were brutal for me as I was very much out of shape.

When I finally got an understanding that I was living an unhealthy life, I decided it was time to get serious and make some significant changes to get healthy.  I finally realized I was very unhealthy and wanted to make a change to that.  So I made huge changes.  I started exercising regularly and incorporating healthier foods into my diet; slowly weaning myself off of those ‘junk foods’ I coveted.  The changes began to be evident.  I saw the number on the scale decrease, I felt my clothes fitting looser, and in time, the compliments from others started coming.  This was the fuel I needed to keep me going.  And so I did.

When I finally reached a good, healthy weight, I had lost over 60 pounds.  I went from clinically obese for my age and height, to being healthy as the BMI categorized me.  When it would have been a good place for me to stop, I didn’t; I couldn’t.

I was educating myself on healthy foods and unhealthy foods, things to take in and things to avoid or limit.  Yet I got so caught up in being thinner.  There was always more to lose in my mind.  I should have trusted a doctor to tell me what was enough or at the least the BMI to tell me when it was a good place to stop.  Yet, I didn’t.  I got so bent up in losing more, cutting more, and becoming more toned and skinnier, that it consumed me.  That is again where I started to fall out of balance and become unhealthy to the opposite extreme.  I beat my body into submission.  I slaved away working out, I depleted my body of what it needed, cutting more and more out of my diet, limiting more and more of what I’d allow myself to eat or drink.  It turned into my depriving myself to an extreme degree which just facilitated the development of my anorexia.

Again, I wasn’t showing any love or importance on being healthy and taking care of my body.  It may have started that way, but I quickly lost my grip on that.  Looking back, I wish I could have told myself what I know now.  I wish I could have told myself to stop, to keep myself where I was when I was still healthy.  How badly I wish I could go back and redo that part of my life and take control of my health at the point where I was at a good healthy, balance in my life.  But, I can’t.  What’s done has been done.

I treated my body horribly in the subsequent months and years.  I will forever regret that.  Even in the process of recovery, I’ve half-assed it.  I’ve been able to do what is comfortable for me, not pushing myself, not challenging myself.  I’ve made excuses for myself and accepted them as my reality.  The reality is, I’ve played it safe because that’s what comes easy.  There could have been times I could have taken a huge chance and risk, yet I haven’t.  I’ve talked myself out of it, scared myself into listening to the negativity, and accepted that as my reality.  All because of what?  I’m afraid of what?  Am I still holding on to this superficial idea that being thin is the only way I will be happy or content or acceptable?

These last few weeks have been really difficult for me.  I’ve been dealing with health issues that have my life pretty miserable for me.  The most difficult and frustrating part of it?  I don’t know what’s wrong.  I don’t know the problem so I don’t know how to find the solution.  I’ve had stomach issues for years, so I know that my issues aren’t from my eating disorder.  But I also know that the restricting and binging phases definitely did not do anything to help my GI problems.  I recently tried to cut out gluten and dairy from my diet in hopes that ridding myself and my body of those things (which are known to be problematic for digestion) would be the answer to my problem.  I also went so far as to remove all of the sugar-free foods and drinks from my diet because I read just how bad they can be for GI issues, among other things.  With all of these significant changes, one would think or hope that some improvements would be seen.  Yet, things have been worsening lately.  Which is not only perplexing to me, but also extremely frustrating as well.

Without getting into too much detail about what it is I deal with on a daily basis, suffice it to say that it’s not fun and it literally makes life difficult.  Eating anything is a challenge.  Which of course, is not conducive for a girl who in recovery from an eating disorder.  I need to eat regularly and not pass up eating because I feel too miserable to eat anything.  Regardless of what I eat or how much I eat, it impacts me right away.  Some days are better than others, some times throughout the day are better than others.  Yet lately it’s more negative than positive.  I’ve been trying to keep positive and not be overwhelmed by things, but it’s really REALLY hard.  I can’t keep on every day like this anymore.  Something needs to change.  The doctor(s) need to figure out what is going on or I don’t know what I’m going to do.

It’s awful because everything else in my life seems to be going so well and finally coming together.  I’m finally feeling really happy and things are going so well with my job and with Scott and with family and friends.  I want to be able to be happy and to enjoy life.  This has sucked the life out of me.  It’s so upsetting.

I’ve been doing everything in my power to help my situation.  I can’t tell you how much research I’ve done, looking for any answers or any potential answers that could help.  I’ve made another appointment with my GI doctor for this coming week, and will also attempt to make an appointment with my regular doctor as well (as now I’m wondering if it may be linked to endometriosis, which my doctor at one time thought that I had and which I failed to get properly tested for in the past), plus I’ve recently got peppermint oil tablets, activated charcoal, and papaya enzyme tablets that I’m taking on a daily basis to try and help.  I have also looked into acupuncture, as I read an article saying that it can really be helpful for GI issues as well.  At this point, I am willing to do anything and everything in my power to try and feel better.  That is the only thing that I’m concerned with right now.

I want absolutely nothing more in life than to feel healthy.  In the days that I’ve felt absolutely miserable, it has shown me just how much I take for granted when I’m feeling healthy.  It also has shown me what really matters.  I kept thinking to myself, I didn’t care about what weight I was, how much I exercised, what foods I was eating, I just wanted to be normal.  I just wanted to feel healthy so that I could live and enjoy life.  Feeling healthy, feeling good physically, mentally and emotionally, is the most important thing to me.  I will do whatever I can to help myself get to a healthy place.  Now, my health is a priority.  I also now realize just how much I love and value myself.  I no longer except feeling miserable as ‘okay’.  I no longer want to “punish” myself or my body, like I did in the past with my eating disorder.  I want to find my healthy and happiness and live fully.  I value myself so much more now and that, to me, is a beautiful thing.  I now realize what really matters.  It isn’t being skinny, or making sure you work out a certain number of times a week for a certain amount of time.  It has nothing to do with what size jeans you wear or the number that shows up on the scale.  All of those thoughts or ideas meant absolutely nothing to me when I felt miserable.  All I wanted was to feel better.

Sometimes it takes something like this to really make you realize what matters most, and what doesn’t matter at all.  I’ve spent so much of my time thinking that my weight and body would provide me with the happiness and self-esteem I was looking for.  Now I realize just how foolish that really was.  I wasted so much of my life and time focusing on things that matter so little.  I truly want to make it my effort and goal now to take care of myself, in whatever shape or form that is.  Feeling healthy and being happy are the most important things for me in my life.  I will never stop fighting for myself and my happiness and health.  It’s about damn time I do things the right way and take care of myself fully.

These days, I’ve been clinging to the ‘good’ or ‘okay’ moments I have.  Any time that I feel somewhat decent and not miserable, I celebrate.  I try to do as much as I can and live up the times that I’m feeling good.  I want to make the most of my life and truly live fully.  Even if that means that I forever have to deal with the issues I have right now, as long as I have moments where I can feel good, I will celebrate those moments and try to experience and enjoy life as much as possible.  All I want is to feel good and to live.