I think I’ve been lying to myself for quite some time now. Or, rather, I’ve tried to convince myself that my behaviors and actions are in the name of good health. Well, it’s time to expose the truth for what it is. I have been very unhealthy, attributing my behaviors or excusing them by telling myself, “I’m just trying to be healthy!” My eating and exercise habits have been spinning out of control, yet again. But this time, I didn’t view it as a problem because I told myself that I was doing a good job…that I was just trying to be healthy. Whenever I was restricting my intake, I told myself that I was finally not giving into my cravings and losing control with my eating, like I had in the past. Whenever I was pushing myself day after day to exercise without letting myself rest, I told myself I was just exercising to be healthy. Excuses. I can be (wo)man enough to admit it. These were all excuses I was telling myself so I could justify my behavior and actions.
If I didn’t get a good workout in for the day, I didn’t feel like I could allow myself to eat. Or I felt like a failure, like a lazy bum. Working out equated to success in my eyes. And God help it if I wasn’t going to work out! Yes, I had really, really been enjoying my workouts (don’t get me wrong). I especially enjoyed my running! I truly, really do love exercising and I did reap great benefits from it, including my mood being lifted afterwards. But a good part of that too, was because I knew that I had burned calories. I had worked out ‘xyz’ amount of time and no doubt burned ‘xyz’ amount of calories. And this, this definitely contributed to my feelings of pure bliss after working out.
It also got to the point where I couldn’t let myself miss a day. Missing a day of working out?! You have got to be kidding me?!? No way! If I did, I needed some sort of legitimate reason for not working out…an appointment, having to stay late at work, etc. Any other reason was just not sufficient. Taking a day off just because I didn’t feel like it was unheard of. I could never live with myself.
What’s even funny about this post (as I look back and read what I’ve written so far) I see just how crazy these actions are. It’s like the behavior alone of compulsively exercising is so unhealthy if I was eating normally. However, I would exercise to this extreme degree and then on top of it I would restrict. I have had enough.
I have been so encouraged and inspired by so many blogs I’ve been reading lately. So many people can identify and understand and have similar struggles. Yet, I have been truly motivated to get myself back on track after reading some very encouraging stories of how other have fought against these tendencies and are reaping the benefits. I know it’s going to be a long, hard battle and that these tendencies are not just going to disappear overnight. That is something I need to acknowledge and accept. That has been an issue in the past…I feel like I should just be all healed up in a short time and if I’m not, I feel like I’m not recovering properly. That mentality just sets me up to feel bad about myself and my progress and give up. “What’s the point?!?” I reason.
But this time, this time I need to make it happen. I can’t keep doing this hot and cold, on and off type of recovery. I swallowed my pride and made an appointment with a new therapist this week. So I will get some extra support and motivation in that regard. I’m trying to open up more to my family and friends, too, and share my struggles with them. I’m also trying to find motivation and encouragement from others’ experiences and keep my focus on moving forward and progressing. I am going to do it right this time. No more excuses. I need to work on re-evaluating my exercising and my eating habits (and loosen the chains that I have myself locked into in both of these areas of my life)
So here’s one big step in the right direction…