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A Dose of Honesty

05 Apr

I think I’ve been lying to myself for quite some time now.  Or, rather, I’ve tried to convince myself that my behaviors and actions are in the name of good health.  Well, it’s time to expose the truth for what it is.  I have been very unhealthy, attributing my behaviors or excusing them by telling myself, “I’m just trying to be healthy!”  My eating and exercise habits have been spinning out of control, yet again.  But this time, I didn’t view it as a problem because I told myself that I was doing a good job…that I was just trying to be healthy.  Whenever I was restricting my intake, I told myself that I was finally not giving into my cravings and losing control with my eating, like I had in the past.  Whenever I was pushing myself day after day to exercise without letting myself rest, I told myself I was just exercising to be healthy.  Excuses.  I can be (wo)man enough to admit it.  These were all excuses I was telling myself so I could justify my behavior and actions.

If I didn’t get a good workout in for the day, I didn’t feel like I could allow myself to eat.  Or I felt like a failure, like a lazy bum.  Working out equated to success in my eyes.  And God help it if I wasn’t going to work out!  Yes, I had really, really been enjoying my workouts (don’t get me wrong).  I especially enjoyed my running!  I truly, really do love exercising and I did reap great benefits from it, including my mood being lifted afterwards.  But a good part of that too, was because I knew that I had burned calories.  I had worked out ‘xyz’ amount of time and no doubt burned ‘xyz’ amount of calories.  And this, this definitely contributed to my feelings of pure bliss after working out. 

It also got to the point where I couldn’t let myself miss a day.  Missing a day of working out?!  You have got to be kidding me?!? No way!  If I did, I needed some sort of legitimate reason for not working out…an appointment, having to stay late at work, etc.  Any other reason was just not sufficient.  Taking a day off just because I didn’t feel like it was unheard of.  I could never live with myself. 

What’s even funny about this post (as I look back and read what I’ve written so far) I see just how crazy these actions are.  It’s like the behavior alone of compulsively exercising is so unhealthy if I was eating normally.  However, I would exercise to this extreme degree and then on top of it I would restrict.  I have had enough.

I have been so encouraged and inspired by so many blogs I’ve been reading lately.  So many people can identify and understand and have similar struggles.  Yet, I have been truly motivated to get myself back on track after reading some very encouraging stories of how other have fought against these tendencies and are reaping the benefits.  I know it’s going to be a long, hard battle and that these tendencies are not just going to disappear overnight.  That is something I need to acknowledge and accept.  That has been an issue in the past…I feel like I should just be all healed up in a short time and if I’m not, I feel like I’m not recovering properly.  That mentality just sets me up to feel bad about myself and my progress and give up.  “What’s the point?!?” I reason.

But this time, this time I need to make it happen.  I can’t keep doing this hot and cold, on and off type of recovery.  I swallowed my pride and made an appointment with a new therapist this week.  So I will get some extra support and motivation in that regard.  I’m trying to open up more to my family and friends, too, and share my struggles with them.  I’m also trying to find motivation and encouragement from others’ experiences and keep my focus on moving forward and progressing.  I am going to do it right this time.  No more excuses.  I need to work on re-evaluating my exercising and my eating habits (and loosen the chains that I have myself locked into in both of these areas of my life)

So here’s one big step in the right direction…

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6 Comments

Posted by on April 5, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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6 responses to “A Dose of Honesty

  1. The Vegan Grip

    April 5, 2013 at 11:56 am

    Your determination is great! Recovery does seem to be a long, sometimes slow journey, but you can definitely do it! I’ve found that setting the goal of getting stronger for myself helped me stop some negative self-talk. I know I can’t lift a ton if I’m not properly nourished and well-slept, and similarly, after I’ve lifted, I know I need to eat enough to build muscle. It’s a positive self-perpetuating circle and it feels great! Whatever you find to help you, whatever goals you make, have fun with the journey and love yourself for being the healthy and beautiful piece of this beautiful world that you are 🙂

     
    • Little Miss Fit

      April 5, 2013 at 12:01 pm

      Aw things girl! I truly appreciate your words of encouragement. And I have to keep that in mind…you are absolutely right. I have absolutely loved running and being more active…but I realize that if I want to keep on that path, I need to make sure that I give my body the fuel it needs to stay healthy and energized…otherwise my running won’t happen and I’ll get weak and tired easily. I’m working on setting some serious goals for myself and know that I can get myself on track and stay motivated. I’m excited for this part of my journey! 🙂

       
  2. Racing Bananas

    April 5, 2013 at 3:01 pm

    Thanks for sharing! It’s funny how “trying to be healthy” can be used to validate certain actions – I definitely have the problem of sneaking in WAY too much sugar and thinking it’s ok because I ate healthy for the rest of the day and got my exercise in. Changing a mindset can be difficult to do – kudos to you for having the motivation and determination to do it!

     
    • Little Miss Fit

      April 5, 2013 at 11:19 pm

      Oh I completely agree! I had the worst habit of eating healthy during the day, and being really in control of my eating and then come nighttime I would go crazy with the sugary foods and snacks and say it was okay for me to do that because I ate good during the day. But I’m working on balance, so that’s what I need to keep on doing! Thanks for the encouragement! 🙂

       
  3. slfarmer05

    May 15, 2013 at 3:20 am

    What a wonderful and honest account of recovery. There is no perfect path to recovery, but the fact that you are continuing to fight is what truly matters! I face the same struggle with my ED so know that you are not alone. Following now!

     
    • Little Miss Fit

      May 15, 2013 at 3:29 am

      Thank you so much for your words! I really appreciate it so much! You’re absolutely right…there is no such thing as a perfect recovery…all we can do is push forward and do our best to fight as hard as we can. Good to know there’s plenty of support out there! We can keep strong! 🙂

       

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