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I Want to Live (Fully!)

25 Apr

Well I’ve fallen off the radar lately, so I wanted take some time and talk about what’s been new/going on for me.  Simply put, I got sick of being sick.  I have been stuck in a rut with my ED and it was waring on me so much.  I was miserable, absolutely miserable again.  I knew this feeling all too well.  But this time, I wasn’t going to just sit by and let myself get worse.  This time, I decided to act and fight back right away before letting myself get too sick to the point where I wouldn’t realize how much I really needed help.

So I reached out, yet again, and contacted another ED treatment center.  I had previously been at REDI but decided I wanted to try a different place this time around.  So I contacted Aurora’s Behavioral Health Center which also had an ED treatment center.  I made contact and set up an assessment.

All weekend I was eager to just go and get my assessment done and figure out what my future held for me…where my recovery journey would take me this time.

All things considered though, I had a really nice weekend.  I was busy, spending time with my dear friends who I love more than anything and my family.  I was surrounded by the people that know about my ED, know where I’m at, and have been nothing but supportive, encouraging, and there for me through it all.  So it really made my weekend as good as it possibly could be.

Saturday afternoon I went with my hubby, my brother and one of my best friends to the Mitchell Park Conservatory (The Domes, as they are known by) in Milwaukee.  It was a sunny, mild day and it was a really nice time.  They are so fun and really worked to get my mind off of my upcoming assessment and all my negative ED thoughts.  (Of course they wouldn’t take a serious picture!)

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ImageNeedless to say, I love these three.  All their silly quirks and all 🙂

Saturday evening I spent with my best friend (who I pretty much consider a sister).  So that was a wonderful time.  It was quite a while since we had hung out, so it was great being with her again.  We get along wonderfully and when I’m with her, nothing else really worries me or weighs on my mind.  So I was definitely in good spirits after hanging out with her 🙂

Sunday afternoon Scott and I had babysitting duty…we were watching his adorable nephew!  He is just too cute.  Seeing him and spending time with him was a really nice.  We were silly and had a lot of fun!

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So the weekend went by quickly.  Monday was a long, long day.  Just waiting for Tuesday at 4pm to get here so I could just get it done with and move forward.  I hate the waiting game.

Finally Tuesday rolled around and I had my assessment.  After explaining my situation, background, current struggles, etc. and being evaluated by the intake staff at Aurora, they consulted and advised me that they would recommend that I start their ‘partial’ program due to the amount that I was currently restricting…which meant being there during the day Monday-Saturday.  That was not a realistic option for me with working full time during the day.  I told them my feelings and they said they had assumed I may say it wouldn’t work for me.  So they agreed to allow me to do the IOP program (intensive outpatient) which would be Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday evenings from 5:00-8:30, but only conditionally.  If I wasn’t “pulling my own” in IOP and they determined I needed a higher level of care, then I would either have to do partial or be removed from their program.  I agreed to those terms.  So, tomorrow is my first day.

I have to admit that as much as I wish I didn’t have to go through this again, getting more therapy, spending my evenings at a treatment center, I know this is what I need in order to get myself back on track again.  I know it will only be for my good in the long run.  So I fully accept it and am ready to start getting myself moving forward, back on the right track. 

The truth is, I’m sick of being sick.  I’m sick of being ‘stuck’ here, half living.  I want to really LIVE my life.  I feel like I miss out on so much by being so consumed with my ED.  I have so much that I want to experience and be a part of…and I can’t do that being sick.  I need to be healthy.

I have gained a new sense of motivation.  I will do whatever it takes to get healthy, to get myself where I need to be in order to finally feel some freedom from my ED once and for all.  Realistically, I know that my ED will not vanish quickly, and truthfully it may not fully go away ever.  But I need to learn to minimize my behaviors and learn to finally let go of the reasons why I am holding onto it and am scared to move forward.  I am 23 years old and I do not want to let my life pass me by, while I’m sitting here sick.  I will keep fighting.  I will fight for my life, for freedom, for my happiness, for a taste of a real life.  This girl is not going to quit!

 

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Posted by on April 25, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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