My life has taken a huge, drastic and pretty unexpected twist this past week. There have been so many huge changes that have taken place and I’m still trying to get acclimated to things. It’s been an emotional, rocky week, but all in all my spirits right now are pretty good. I had time to talk things out with some friends and family, and with my therapist, and have been able to process things. I realize that I could shut down and allow this to devastate me, leave me heartbroken and full of sadness. But I decided not to do that. I’m deciding to find the silver lining of this painful situation and focus on any positives that I can get out of this situation. I don’t want to go into the details at this point of what big transition I’m talking about, but in time it may come out, and in time my words just may make it pretty plain what I’m talking about. But until then, just know that it’s a big, unsettling situation.
But now I need to focus on me. I need to give myself the time to figure out myself, what I want from my life, what will make me happiest, and learn to be okay with pursuing those things. I so often try and do what others want or expect of me, find myself being swayed by the opinions of others, but now I need to focus on me and what I need to do for myself. I also want to really focus on my recovery, on getting healthy for good. I want to try and figure out all the reasons why I find it so easy to stay stuck in my ED and find healthier ways to deal with those reasons. I am excited, nervous, scared and anxious for this phase in my life. As much as I may get down, saddened, or upset when the reality of the situation sinks in, I know that I can just as easily turn that around and feel more optimistic and positive about things. I do have a wonderful way of trying to keep my spirits high.
In talking with my therapist, we both came to the realization that I have a zest for life. (I am zesty!) My normal way of dealing with life is try and be as positive and uplifting as I can. I try and be a source of encouragement and enthusiasm to others. Being in my ED holds me back from that. It has allowed me, or rather, made me isolated, dark, lonely, and depressed. But now that I’m in recovery, I feel that my zest and enthusiasm for life has taken on a whole new meaning and I’m discovering that I have this energy that I never really possessed before. I now want to go out and really live my life, to the full. There is so much that life has to offer that I feel I am missing out on, or not fully partaking of. Now is that time. Now, I can focus on expanding my horizons and becoming ME.
One thing I have recently discovered (and have truly FALLEN IN LOVE WITH) is yoga. I cannot even express how much I have grown to love it. I never would have guessed it. For the longest time, I was against even trying it, convinced that I would hate it. Then one day, I just decided what the heck, I’d give it a shot. I’ve heard good things about it, I know it has a cult following (literally), so all of those die-hard-yogis out there could not be simply crazy about something that didn’t have some sort of appeal. I am SO thankful that I gave it a shot. I have never quite experienced anything so enjoyable (in so many different ways all at the same time!) as yoga. I feel strong and confident. I have been learning how to be flexible and increasing my flexibility each day I do yoga. I feel more comfortable with my body; I have a better sense and appreciation for all that my muscles and all that my body can do and is capable of. I feel completely relaxed and at peace while doing yoga and afterward. I cannot say enough about it and I can’t get enough of it! 😀 This coming week will be my first yoga class…and it will be BIKRAM YOGA! Oh.My.Gosh. I am so nervous/anxious/scared/excited! I have heard all of the horror stories of nearly fainting and passing out to being completely drenched in sweat to having to leave early. Yet, I have also heard all the positives that come from sticking out the first or second crappy classes and how it can truly transform your life. So for that reason, I have convinced myself to stick it out through the crappy classes and wait to reap the benefits. 🙂
I am sure that I will post all about my experience next week…so stay tuned 🙂
Well I hope you all enjoy the rest of your Friday and have an absolutely AMAZING long weekend!!