Today FINALLY felt like summer here in Wisconsin. We had sunny, 80 degree weather! Yes, yes, yes! I loved it! I definitely needed the sunshine, it’s absolutely impossible to be in a bad mood with the sun out and the weather as gorgeous as it was. This past week and a half have been such an up and down, rollercoaster of emotions for me. I’ve been dealing with a situation that I never would have thought I’d ever deal with in my life. I’ve had my moments where I’ve felt strong, capable of handling this obstacle and pushing forward, coming out stronger in the end. And then I’ve had my moments where I felt defeated, like this was going to leave me completely devastated and an absolute train-wreck. And then I have had all the emotions in between. It’s been rough, but today’s sunshine made me feel a bit more optimistic about things.
After work, I had an appointment with my therapist. I was SO glad that I had my appointment today…there was so much I just wanted to talk about and get off my chest and express about everything that has been going on in my life. Talking about things helped. It helped me gain some perspective on things. Aside from my other LARGE personal issues that are going on right now in my life, we talked about the main reason I am seeing her, my eating disorder. Sadly, I have let this bump in the road throw me back to my “safety” and my “crutch”, my eating disorder. This weekend was rough, I fell back a few steps. But with the start of the work week on Tuesday, I took a step forward in the right direction..getting myself a little more on track.
She asked me a very pointed question if I wanted to really get rid of my eating disorder. I answered that I did. When she asked me why, I told her about how I feel like I’m missing out on so much in my life. I feel like I’m letting opportunities pass me by, I’m letting my eating disorder prevent me from living a normal, healthy, happy life. I hate having to decline offers to spend time with family and friends because I’m STILL afraid to eat a meal with them. It’s ridiculous. I mentioned how my parents had invited me over for dinner the previous night and how I declined (in part because I had made plans with a friend that did end up falling through) but also because I a) didn’t want them to judge what I did/didn’t eat and b) because I still struggle to eat a normal, balanced meal. I am SICK of declining offers to spend time with the people I want to be with, just because food is part of the equation. That is so ridiculous! Ughh…I get so frustrated with myself.
Well, after my session, I came home with the full intention of just relaxing the rest of the night alone (with Dexter, of course!). I did some yoga, caught up on some blogs, etc. Then I got a message from a friend, asking what I was up to in a half an hour. I responded asking what was up. He responded with ‘wanna meet up for ice cream?’ The moment of truth. Ice cream?! Me? At 8:30 at night? ICE CREAM?! It’s so sad to say this, but I honestly cannot for the life of me remember the last time I went out for ice cream. Ice cream is something that is off limits, clearly not on my “safe foods” list. My normal response in this situation would be “sorry, can’t make it tonight”. But I responded quickly with a ‘sure, where at?!’
I.just.accepted.an.invite.to.go.for.ICE CREAM! And you know what?! I was GENUINELY excited and looking forward to it! I felt proud of myself for saying yes! For accepting an offer I normally would have refused without a second thought. This is SUCH a huge moment for me. I had this mantra for a while in my recovery (which I recently haven’t been reminding myself of) that in situations where my eating disorder would love to take control, I ask myself ‘what would a normal person do?’ and more often than not, a normal person would definitely have the complete opposite response than an eating disordered person would have. A normal person would think, ‘It’s hot, muggy, 80 degree weather, ice cream sounds DELICIOUS! I’d LOVE to go for ice cream!’
I went, ordered a tasty normal, full-fat, creamy, vanilla custard ice cream cone. I didn’t give it a second thought. I enjoyed every single bit of it and enjoyed the company. It was the perfect end to my day. There was a moment where I looked around at all the people inside and outside of the place who were all enjoying their ice cream treats and thought, these people are all normal. These people are all enjoying ice cream like a normal person. And today, I too was normal.