I have been trying so hard to be strong, to be happy, to be optimistic and focused on the good things and moving forward. But the reality is, there are some moments where I am not strong, not happy, not optimistic, not focused on good things or moving forward. There are moments where I’m completely and utterly miserable, depressed, lonely, worried, and scared of the future. There are moments where I doubt every.single.thing in my life and my ability to move forward after this drastic turn of events in my life. I want nothing more than to wake up tomorrow morning to realize this has been nothing but a horrific nightmare and that none of this is reality. But I know that won’t happen. I know that no matter how hard I wish for this divorce not to happen, it still will. That is probably one of the hardest feelings to deal with. I want so badly to stop this in its tracks, but I have no power or ability to do so. That hurts so badly. It’s like trying to stop an oncoming train in it’s tracks.
Part of me I think was in denial. I think I had this little tiny voice in the back of my mind that kept telling me ‘he will change his mind, don’t worry!’ or ‘this isn’t really happening’. But he isn’t changing his mind and it really is happening. Tuesday night he stopped over and I signed the papers that we need to file with the court in order to get the divorce process started. This is real…this is really happening. Seeing him was difficult for me. Especially because this person that stood before me, who was once mine, is no longer mine. This person who was once my husband, my confidant, is now this stranger, who’s presence causes me pain. I could barely stand to even look at him and found myself avoiding eye contact.
Thursday morning he is taking the paperwork to the courthouse at which time he will receive the paperwork which we need to fill out within 90 days and return to the courthouse at which time (I believe) we will have a hearing setup. As I type this, I just feel this heavy, heavy crushing feeling inside of me. This is really happening to me, to my marriage. I’m trying so hard to be strong and to look at the positives, but the deeper we go into actually making the divorce happen, the more it’s hurting me and making it harder to be positive about things.
I worry a lot about the future. I wonder if I’ll ever find peace and happiness again. I wonder if I’ll learn to be okay being on my own. I wonder if I’ll learn to trust someone and fully open myself up to another person again. I wonder if I’ll find someone to share my life with in the future. I wonder if I’d just simply be better off alone and not finding anyone else given how unsuccessful marriages seem to be. I wonder if anyone will want me after I’ve been branded with a scarlet ‘D’.
I’m left with so many emotions and feelings that I can’t quite put in to words right now. Just wanted to get some of this out…