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It’s been rough lately

16 Oct

I have been trying so hard to be strong, to be happy, to be optimistic and focused on the good things and moving forward.  But the reality is, there are some moments where I am not strong, not happy, not optimistic, not focused on good things or moving forward.  There are moments where I’m completely and utterly miserable, depressed, lonely, worried, and scared of the future.  There are moments where I doubt every.single.thing in my life and my ability to move forward after this drastic turn of events in my life.  I want nothing more than to wake up tomorrow morning to realize this has been nothing but a horrific nightmare and that none of this is reality.  But I know that won’t happen.  I know that no matter how hard I wish for this divorce not to happen, it still will.  That is probably one of the hardest feelings to deal with.  I want so badly to stop this in its tracks, but I have no power or ability to do so.  That hurts so badly.  It’s like trying to stop an oncoming train in it’s tracks.

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Part of me I think was in denial.  I think I had this little tiny voice in the back of my mind that kept telling me ‘he will change his mind, don’t worry!’ or ‘this isn’t really happening’.  But he isn’t changing his mind and it really is happening.  Tuesday night he stopped over and I signed the papers that we need to file with the court in order to get the divorce process started.  This is real…this is really happening.  Seeing him was difficult for me.  Especially because this person that stood before me, who was once mine, is no longer mine.  This person who was once my husband, my confidant, is now this stranger, who’s presence causes me pain.  I could barely stand to even look at him and found myself avoiding eye contact. 

Thursday morning he is taking the paperwork to the courthouse at which time he will receive the paperwork which we need to fill out within 90 days and return to the courthouse at which time (I believe) we will have a hearing setup.  As I type this, I just feel this heavy, heavy crushing feeling inside of me.  This is really happening to me, to my marriage.  I’m trying so hard to be strong and to look at the positives, but the deeper we go into actually making the divorce happen, the more it’s hurting me and making it harder to be positive about things.

I worry a lot about the future.  I wonder if I’ll ever find peace and happiness again.  I wonder if I’ll learn to be okay being on my own.  I wonder if I’ll learn to trust someone and fully open myself up to another person again.  I wonder if I’ll find someone to share my life with in the future.  I wonder if I’d just simply be better off alone and not finding anyone else given how unsuccessful marriages seem to be.  I wonder if anyone will want me after I’ve been branded with a scarlet ‘D’.

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I’m left with so many emotions and feelings that I can’t quite put in to words right now.  Just wanted to get some of this out…

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26 Comments

Posted by on October 16, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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26 responses to “It’s been rough lately

  1. Kim @ Racing Bananas

    October 17, 2013 at 12:49 am

    Sending you lots of positive thoughts and hugs! I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but know you have lots of bloggy friends out here who support you and want the best for you!

     
    • Little Miss Fit

      October 17, 2013 at 2:37 am

      Thank you so much, Kim. Your words truly mean so much to me to hear.

       
  2. pieceofcaitlin

    October 17, 2013 at 3:18 am

    Lots of love girl! I am so sorry that your having a tough time 😦 its not easy… but im positive it will get better. because there is only UP from here on out for you to go.Think of it as a renewal and journey. you close one door.. but something else is waiting!! xox positive vibes!

     
    • Little Miss Fit

      October 17, 2013 at 3:26 am

      Thanks hun. I really appreciate it. I know you’re absolutely right. This is just a chance to start anew and begin a new chapter in my life. I’m trying to keep my focus on the good things, and move forward with my life now…but I know there will be challenges along the way. Gotta just keep taking it a step at a time.

       
  3. princessbunnycakes

    October 17, 2013 at 5:01 am

    Hi lovedove. I’ve actually been putting off writing to you because I want to come from an optimistic, happy, I-totes-gots-it-together place. But I might not be in that place for some time yet. So, instead, I’m coming to you with all my sympathy and support. Please know that I admire your honesty, kindness, thoughtfulness, and eloquence.

    I COMPLETELY understand not wanting to face the reality of a situation that you don’t like and commend you for acting maturely. I have SO MUCH admiration that you and your former partner want to approach this split with amicability and no messy, childish fights.

    As for that last bit: Listen. You would never want to be with someone who holds old-fashioned stigmas. You are a kind, beautiful, intelligent woman, and anyone lucky enough to have the slightest hint of your romantic interest should consider himself blessed. The divorce isn’t happening because you were callous, cruel, disloyal, etc. It occurred because the two of you aren’t compatible. It doesn’t reflect on your personal character whatsoever–in fact, all it shows is that you are a caring, striving, loyal woman who has every ability to emerge stronger and with a greater understanding of herself. You’re not doing yourself justice if you think there is ANY reason to wear a social stigma, as the divorce doesn’t reflect poorly on you as a person in any way.

    Of course this is a difficult time in your life, and of course you’re struggling. It would be strange if you weren’t. It just goes to show that you are in fact extremely sensitive, kind, and loyal. However, I GUARANTEE you that it will get better. You will move in. Your dynamics will change. New people will enter your life. You WILL be okay, and you will change, even if it’s scary.

    I believe that you are a very special and strong woman, and you have all my faith and support. 🙂

     
    • Little Miss Fit

      October 17, 2013 at 12:14 pm

      First of all I can’t even begin to find the words to thank you enough for everything you have just said to me. I am literally speechless but your thoughtful, kind words to me. I don’t feel near deserving of the commendation you have given me, but it truly just warms my heart to hear what you’ve said about my situation and about who I am as a person.

      I know I need to try and reframe my thinking and view things more positively, but sometimes I just get so weighed down by the situation and the reality of what is going on. Like I said, I think I was living in denial for quite sometime, not willing to FULLY accept that this was happening. But now that things are progressing and moving forward, I can’t deny it anymore. I just need to try and listen to all of the wonderful feedback and support I’m getting from people in my life and run with that positivity and support. I thank you again so much for everything you have said. Your support means more to me than you know.

       
      • princessbunnycakes

        October 18, 2013 at 2:58 am

        Well, I like you and want to do anything I can to make you feel better. I can imagine, to some extent, the hurt and disappointment you’re dealing with. I think it’s perfectly okay, valid, and healthy to feel sad, frustrated, and even angry, but of course I do want to offer you support and consolation.

        In the end, you WILL be okay. Thoughts and values shift. The stuff you think is super important and intrinsic for your happiness now will shift to something else entirely. It’s human nature: the phone we just omg CAN’T live without looks dated and silly 2 yrs later. The guy that’s omg sooooo hot and just HAS to call us seems like an asshole a month later. Priorities shift. Mindsets change. You will be okay, and stronger and more aware of yourself for your hardships.

        What might be helpful is to think about all the things you gain from your divorce. Obviously I don’t know the details of your relationship, but my best guess is that the former Mr. Little Miss Fit wasn’t a rockstar rocket surgeon saint who showered you with gifts, kittens, and magical genie wishes. So what do you gain from losing a 1-sided relationship? Do you save yourself time, money, energy? Do you get to find out who your real friends vs. fair-weather friends are? Do you get to learn about yourself? Challenge yourself? Gain strengths? Have new and different experiences than you would have had otherwise? I think that even toxic relationships teach us and offer incredible learning opportunities. I actually DON’T believe that everything happens for a reason, it’s all for the best, yada yada yada. The universe is humongous and ancient, and life is often random, unfair, and sometimes cruel and downright heartbreaking. However, even the gut-wrenching stuff offers the opportunity to grow, learn, and emerge stronger. I KNOW that you have it in you, and I wish you all the best. Be sad if you need to. But know that it won’t last forever and that there are things to gain from heartbreak.

         
      • Little Miss Fit

        October 18, 2013 at 12:17 pm

        I am literally speechless by your words, yet again. You are absolutely right about though that people change. Things that I once valued or placed importance on, I no longer give the same value or importance to now.

        I think re-shifting my focus is a wonderful idea and something that will be really important for me in moving forward now. Just like you said, I’m learning so much more about myself, about the people that are in my world, and what it will take for me to move forward. I’m learning lessons that I’ve never had to learn before and at the very minimum I’m at least growing as a person. It’s also a wonderful thing to see the support I’ve received from some people and then the lack of support I’ve seen from certain people I was convinced would be there for me through anything. It’s a learning process and a time of personal reflection and growth.

         
  4. olgatodd

    October 17, 2013 at 5:14 am

    Stay strong my friend!

    Thank you for sharing…

    ” For I know the plans I have for you “, declares the Lord, ” plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
    Jeremiah 29:11-13 NIV

     
    • Little Miss Fit

      October 17, 2013 at 11:58 am

      Thanks so much dear. I appreciate your words of comfort

       
      • olgatodd

        October 19, 2013 at 12:19 am

        😉

         
  5. Heidie Makes

    October 17, 2013 at 5:28 am

    Stay positive and optimistic honey!=)It is pretty hard at times but you will be better if you try to stay on the bright side even if the road would be really rocky.

     
    • Little Miss Fit

      October 17, 2013 at 11:59 am

      I know you’re right. Just need to try and keep my chin up now and move forward.

       
      • Heidie Makes

        October 17, 2013 at 2:55 pm

        good luck honey!I will try to do the same =) just been having really hard times lately so surely know it is not easy but hey always go to try.

         
      • Little Miss Fit

        October 17, 2013 at 10:51 pm

        Thanks dear. I truly appreciate it.

        You keep your chin up too. I always say, ‘take things a step at a time, a day at a time’. Having that mindset helps not to ‘bite off more than you can chew’ and get too bogged down with things. Move forward slowly but surely.

         
  6. stilllearning2b

    October 17, 2013 at 10:11 am

    I had all those same worries. I think we all do when we’re suddenly facing the end of a marriage. Right now, it’s enough to hope for those things and to believe they are possible. You don’t have to know how you’re going to get there. Baby steps. 🙂

     
    • Little Miss Fit

      October 17, 2013 at 11:59 am

      It’s nice to hear from someone who has been there and can relate. It’s a whole mess of emotions right now and I’m just working through them as best as I can. Baby steps is the best way to go at this point.

       
  7. Kim @ BusyBod

    October 17, 2013 at 4:55 pm

    I’m so sorry lovely I can’t imagine how painful this must be for you. Nothing anyone can say will change that right now, but remember that you are strong, beautiful inside and out, and worthy of love and happiness. Your readers (like me!) are here to listen, and just an email a way if you want to talk. Keeping you in my thoughts ❤

     
    • Little Miss Fit

      October 17, 2013 at 10:52 pm

      You are absolutely right, Kim. While I’ve received so much positive feedback, support, and comments it doesn’t make the pain go away, or ease the struggle. But it does help knowing I have so many people there to help me through it, so I don’t ever have to go through it alone. That means the world to me and really is of such help! Thanks for your words, they are so very appreciated.

       
  8. Ksenija @ With An Open Mind

    October 18, 2013 at 9:06 am

    Oh, lovely, I feel your pain in my chest reading this words. Though I’ve never been in such a deeply committed relationship (read: married), you know how I recently experienced how breaking apart with someone who seamed to be there forever feels. Even though we give each other one more chance, I just cannot be sure that we will make it through the next weeks or even days.

    However, if your former husband wasn’t able to give you and your marriage another chance there is just one simple conclusion: he does not deserve what you have to offer. Even though I don’t know you in person, reading your words makes me see that you are such a loving, caring, open person who has so much to give. You don’t only deserve to find a person who is willing to take, but to give in return. And believe me, this person will never be put off by the “scarlet D”. You are so damn young, an open future ahead should not frighten you but instead leave you with an excited tingling in your belly. I bet there are so many things you crave to do in life. The moment to do them is now. Being unattached might be scary as hell, but it leaves you with endless opportunities. Going to places you always wanted to go, doing things you always wanted to do. I am going to France in the beginning of January. If you crave an adventure: come and visit me. Seriously.

     
    • Little Miss Fit

      October 18, 2013 at 12:31 pm

      Thank you doll. Your words mean so much to me. I know that in the end, this is probably a very good thing for me. I guess I’m more in denial of the fact that my marriage wasn’t at all what I was expecting or hoping it to be. It’s a hard thing to face when you want so badly to be happy and to be with someone who loves you. I know I have my whole future in front of me, and after I am able to get past this, I know everything can and will open up to me. I don’t have to be a crazy cat lady the rest of my life (although I do love cats!) but I need to get out there and start really and truly LIVING my life. You are so right that there are SO many things I want to do, be a part of, learn, explore, and experience. I need to start doing those things and really living my life for ME. I have really so much to look forward to and I need to start doing those things that I want to do and that make me happy.

      France would be such a lovely place to go! Maybe a getaway would be just the thing for me. 🙂

       
  9. LivingwithPurpose

    October 18, 2013 at 3:24 pm

    My prayers are with you. God can still change hearts and lives. Never give up hope!

     
  10. Kalie

    October 18, 2013 at 4:57 pm

    Hey, I just want to say that, I read all of your of posts but, normally don’t comment on them but, I wanted to tell you that I am thinking of you. I hope things get better for you soon! ❤

     
    • Little Miss Fit

      October 18, 2013 at 11:02 pm

      Thank you so much for taking the time to send a comment my way today. It especially means a lot to me since you don’t usually comment. So thank you very much!!

       

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