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The Big Bad Binge

01 Mar

Because I believe in fully being open on my blog and not giving off pretenses that are not true to my own reality, I decided it was time to talk about something that has become a big part of my life lately.  It’s with frustration and a bit of shame that I bring it up today, even.  But I think I need to bring it up somewhere and get the chance to talk about it openly.  As some of you may know or remember, as part of my recovery from anorexia, I developed the habit of binge-eating at night.  As I limited my calorie intake during the day to minimal amounts of food, my body just knew I wasn’t giving it enough, and evenings turned into full-on binge fest for me.  Although I’ve had a period of time where I was doing better and the binging subsided, it has resurfaced yet again.  I would like to nip it in the bud for good, once and for all, as I know it will impact my health in very drastic and negative ways if I keep on doing what I’m doing.

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So because I want to make changes to my life and not continue on this way, I know I need to start somewhere.  I’m sick of stuffing my face with food, just because it’s my ‘routine’ in the evening.  I’m sick of turning to food for comfort.  I’m sick of eating a lot, especially sugary, non-nutritious foods late at night before going to bed.  I’m sick of it all.  I’m sick of telling myself I will stop binging come morning, yet each night give in yet again.  I need to change NOW.  I discovered this website that suggested the 50-day Binge Free Challenge and decided I’d give it a go.  What do I have to lose, right?  Since it’s March 1, it seems like an appropriate day to start.

The question for day 1 is: Why are you doing the 50 day binge free challenge?

I think I alluded to why above, but just to expound a little more…I’ve been working hard towards recovery and have made huge, HUGE improvements.  I’m at a healthy weight now, the majority of my behaviors have minimized substantially, but I still struggle with not getting enough in during the day (food-wise) and then making up for it by binging at night.  The problem is that I let it happen, and then let it happen, and then let it happen again and again.  It became a pattern.  I’d eat minimally during the day, eat a lot at night, and either feel so sick the following day that eating minimally was all I could stomach or I’d feel the need to restrict during the day because of my binge the night before, and around it goes in a circle.

I am working toward a very large goal right now of training to do a half-marathon.  In the past I had attempted to start running and progress to do a half-marathon, but each time I trained, I had to stop because I was too sick with my eating disorder and over-worked my body, to the point that it gave out on me and I had no choice but to stop.  I know I need to get my nutrition right this time around or I will not achieve my goal yet again.

I also know that I’ve been getting a lot of cavities lately because of how much sugar I’m eating.  I also worry that I will end up developing diabetes.  It already runs in my family, so I’m at an even great risk of developing it.  But I personally know someone who developed it solely because he (actually once suffered from an eating disorder himself) and ate little-to-nothing during the day and would have a large meal late at night and it completely messed up his body as a result since it didn’t know when it would get food next or how to properly handle the large amount of food it was given all at once.  But aside from the health reasons, I just want to eat like a normal person.  I just want to be free of this.  I am so hopeful that one of these days it will just ‘click’ for me, and I find that I’m even more disappointed each time it fails to do so.

Yet, I can’t give up.  I can’t NOT try.  So even if that means waking up each morning with a renewed sense of wanting to get my nutrition on track, that is a small victory in itself.  The moment that I accept this as OK, is the moment I give up my fight.  See the thing is, I want to live…fully.  I want to be able to put food in it’s proper place.  I want to be able to look at food as a means of giving my body nutrients and NOT as something to keep me busy, or something to fill a void, or something that I can reach out to because ‘it’s that time of night’.  It’s time I take a gamble on myself and stand up for what I want.  So, I’ll give this 50 Day Binge Free Challenge a shot.  Am I expecting perfection?  Surely not.  Am I anticipating that I might hit roadblocks?  Yes, I most certainly am.  But as long as my resolve remains the same, that of trying again, and then again, and then again, I am hopeful that I can eventually get this right.

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10 Comments

Posted by on March 1, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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10 responses to “The Big Bad Binge

  1. Christine@ Apple of My Eye

    March 1, 2014 at 3:25 pm

    Oh love, I’m sorry you’re struggling this, but your head seems to be in the right place with this and I know you’ll be able to work through the binges! Maybe eat more snacks throughout the day so you can get in the calories without ever feeling over-stuffed? Sending you hugs ❤

     
    • Little Miss Fit

      March 1, 2014 at 3:27 pm

      Christine, you are too sweet! Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and your suggestions! I appreciate it more than you know! ❤

       
  2. Kristina at damntenpounds

    March 1, 2014 at 9:01 pm

    Don’t give up. Everyday is a new day. I’ve been caught in this cycle and there’s a lot of guilt afterwards. Something that helped me was not keeping anything in the house that I would plow through. I have zero control with sweets too, so I won’t buy them. A binge isn’t as appealing with carrots or cucumbers 🙂

     
    • Little Miss Fit

      March 1, 2014 at 11:26 pm

      Thanks, I really appreciate it. You’re absolutely right…the times I don’t keep any tempting goodies (most often anything sugary) in the house, I usually do the best. Then I let down my guard and think ‘Oh, I’ll be fine if I get this and won’t overdo it’…which almost never works.

       
  3. Jaclyn

    March 2, 2014 at 1:52 am

    Oh my gosh, I’ve struggled with binge-eating at night for so many years. I got anorexia at age 12, was hospitalized for that, and then later started binging. It got so bad that I would literally be forcing a piece of chocolate into my mouth even though I felt like I was about to explode. I had no idea why I was doing it, and I still struggle sometimes. I really believe it is a comfort-seeking act, because sugar increases all the “feel-good” chemicals in our brains. It does get better, though, and I’m also a runner and training for races. I just keep that in mind when I want to binge: will this help me on my next run? Is this really going to fuel me correctly? Will I regret this tomorrow? It’s definitely not easy, but I guess we just have to try to find some other healthy distractions. Best wishes to you!

     
    • Little Miss Fit

      March 2, 2014 at 4:29 am

      It’s so sad, but I know exactly what you mean. There are times where I just feel so unbelievably full, yet I still find that I keep eating more. I think you’re absolutely right, food is a source of comfort and it certainly was that for me in my past. I was very overweight when I was younger and used food in an unhealthy way for almost all of my life.

      Thanks for the words of encouragement and for letting me know that I’m not alone, and that there is hope, too! I really appreciate it!

       
  4. bhcrum

    March 3, 2014 at 1:11 am

    I wish you the best of luck with this 50 day challenge! I know you can do it!

     
    • Little Miss Fit

      March 3, 2014 at 1:29 am

      Thanks so much! I am going to give it all I’ve got!!

       
  5. mamuangandmacarons

    March 4, 2014 at 7:56 pm

    All of this rings so true for me. Binging is horrible-feels like a hangover the next morning. You really hit home with me with what you wrote about no longer wanting to use food as a source to fill a void. Thank you for sharing your story. All the best with this x

     
    • Little Miss Fit

      March 5, 2014 at 2:56 am

      Thanks for your comments. It’s nice to hear that others can relate so i know I’m not alone. Wishing you the best ❤

       

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