Because I believe in fully being open on my blog and not giving off pretenses that are not true to my own reality, I decided it was time to talk about something that has become a big part of my life lately. It’s with frustration and a bit of shame that I bring it up today, even. But I think I need to bring it up somewhere and get the chance to talk about it openly. As some of you may know or remember, as part of my recovery from anorexia, I developed the habit of binge-eating at night. As I limited my calorie intake during the day to minimal amounts of food, my body just knew I wasn’t giving it enough, and evenings turned into full-on binge fest for me. Although I’ve had a period of time where I was doing better and the binging subsided, it has resurfaced yet again. I would like to nip it in the bud for good, once and for all, as I know it will impact my health in very drastic and negative ways if I keep on doing what I’m doing.
So because I want to make changes to my life and not continue on this way, I know I need to start somewhere. I’m sick of stuffing my face with food, just because it’s my ‘routine’ in the evening. I’m sick of turning to food for comfort. I’m sick of eating a lot, especially sugary, non-nutritious foods late at night before going to bed. I’m sick of it all. I’m sick of telling myself I will stop binging come morning, yet each night give in yet again. I need to change NOW. I discovered this website that suggested the 50-day Binge Free Challenge and decided I’d give it a go. What do I have to lose, right? Since it’s March 1, it seems like an appropriate day to start.
The question for day 1 is: Why are you doing the 50 day binge free challenge?
I think I alluded to why above, but just to expound a little more…I’ve been working hard towards recovery and have made huge, HUGE improvements. I’m at a healthy weight now, the majority of my behaviors have minimized substantially, but I still struggle with not getting enough in during the day (food-wise) and then making up for it by binging at night. The problem is that I let it happen, and then let it happen, and then let it happen again and again. It became a pattern. I’d eat minimally during the day, eat a lot at night, and either feel so sick the following day that eating minimally was all I could stomach or I’d feel the need to restrict during the day because of my binge the night before, and around it goes in a circle.
I am working toward a very large goal right now of training to do a half-marathon. In the past I had attempted to start running and progress to do a half-marathon, but each time I trained, I had to stop because I was too sick with my eating disorder and over-worked my body, to the point that it gave out on me and I had no choice but to stop. I know I need to get my nutrition right this time around or I will not achieve my goal yet again.
I also know that I’ve been getting a lot of cavities lately because of how much sugar I’m eating. I also worry that I will end up developing diabetes. It already runs in my family, so I’m at an even great risk of developing it. But I personally know someone who developed it solely because he (actually once suffered from an eating disorder himself) and ate little-to-nothing during the day and would have a large meal late at night and it completely messed up his body as a result since it didn’t know when it would get food next or how to properly handle the large amount of food it was given all at once. But aside from the health reasons, I just want to eat like a normal person. I just want to be free of this. I am so hopeful that one of these days it will just ‘click’ for me, and I find that I’m even more disappointed each time it fails to do so.
Yet, I can’t give up. I can’t NOT try. So even if that means waking up each morning with a renewed sense of wanting to get my nutrition on track, that is a small victory in itself. The moment that I accept this as OK, is the moment I give up my fight. See the thing is, I want to live…fully. I want to be able to put food in it’s proper place. I want to be able to look at food as a means of giving my body nutrients and NOT as something to keep me busy, or something to fill a void, or something that I can reach out to because ‘it’s that time of night’. It’s time I take a gamble on myself and stand up for what I want. So, I’ll give this 50 Day Binge Free Challenge a shot. Am I expecting perfection? Surely not. Am I anticipating that I might hit roadblocks? Yes, I most certainly am. But as long as my resolve remains the same, that of trying again, and then again, and then again, I am hopeful that I can eventually get this right.