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the nemesis, defined

03 Mar

I have never gone into detail or depth about what my binges look like.  I’m not sure if I ever really will (unless one of my 50-day binge free challenge points prompts me to do so).  I never really like to think about my binges after the fact.  They are certainly episodes that I feel great shame, frustration, and general disgust over.  The next morning I’m left feeling sick, bloated, upset, and disappointed in myself.  I try to forget the night before as quickly as possible.  But, maybe by doing so I’m actually doing myself a dis-service.  Maybe what I really need to be doing, in order to make a change, is to take time to analyze and pick apart my binges.  Only then will I have the full understanding of what my binges consist of and why I engage in binging.

binge

Day 3: What do you define as a binge?

For me, a binge is loss of total control.  It’s like my mind and body shift into auto-pilot.  It can often start by me eating a snack in the evening, and then deciding I want to have something else, and then something else.  Usually by this point, I feel like I lose all sense of ability to know when to stop.  It’s like I get in this mode where everything else gets blocked out and I just need to eat more.  I lose the ability to know when I should stop.  It’s awful.  I barely allow myself time to chew what I have in my mouth, before I’m looking for more to eat.

Time also seems to disappear when I’m in my binge-eating mode.  I lose all track or sense of time and it’s like all I can do is go to the pantry, the fridge, or stand in the kitchen and eat.  Nothing else registers.  It’s a total shutdown of my brain and thinking process.  Even times when I’ve felt so full, I have eaten more yet.  Sometimes I can stop when I’m feeling full, other times I keep eating any way.  It’s a completely vulnerable, awful feeling.  I usually head to bed right after, fall asleep, and then I’m left to deal with the consequences of my binge eating the next morning.  Which is terrible.  I feel bloated, my stomach hurts so bad, and my normal stomach problems are exemplified.  I will use the bathroom many, many times.  I may start to feel a little inkling of hunger by the afternoon, but am afraid to eat anything because I don’t want to upset my stomach again and then be running for the bathroom shortly thereafter yet again.  My inability to eat during the day is just what I need to set me up for another binge the next night.  So takes hold, the vicious cycle.

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2 Comments

Posted by on March 3, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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2 responses to “the nemesis, defined

  1. teenieyogini

    March 3, 2014 at 11:02 pm

    This is very honest. I think you are very brave to write about such a big challenge. Keep it up!

     
    • Little Miss Fit

      March 4, 2014 at 3:04 am

      Thanks hun. Big things need to change, so if that means being open and sharing in a way I never have before on my blog, then that’s exactly what I need to do.

       

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