I have never gone into detail or depth about what my binges look like. I’m not sure if I ever really will (unless one of my 50-day binge free challenge points prompts me to do so). I never really like to think about my binges after the fact. They are certainly episodes that I feel great shame, frustration, and general disgust over. The next morning I’m left feeling sick, bloated, upset, and disappointed in myself. I try to forget the night before as quickly as possible. But, maybe by doing so I’m actually doing myself a dis-service. Maybe what I really need to be doing, in order to make a change, is to take time to analyze and pick apart my binges. Only then will I have the full understanding of what my binges consist of and why I engage in binging.
Day 3: What do you define as a binge?
For me, a binge is loss of total control. It’s like my mind and body shift into auto-pilot. It can often start by me eating a snack in the evening, and then deciding I want to have something else, and then something else. Usually by this point, I feel like I lose all sense of ability to know when to stop. It’s like I get in this mode where everything else gets blocked out and I just need to eat more. I lose the ability to know when I should stop. It’s awful. I barely allow myself time to chew what I have in my mouth, before I’m looking for more to eat.
Time also seems to disappear when I’m in my binge-eating mode. I lose all track or sense of time and it’s like all I can do is go to the pantry, the fridge, or stand in the kitchen and eat. Nothing else registers. It’s a total shutdown of my brain and thinking process. Even times when I’ve felt so full, I have eaten more yet. Sometimes I can stop when I’m feeling full, other times I keep eating any way. It’s a completely vulnerable, awful feeling. I usually head to bed right after, fall asleep, and then I’m left to deal with the consequences of my binge eating the next morning. Which is terrible. I feel bloated, my stomach hurts so bad, and my normal stomach problems are exemplified. I will use the bathroom many, many times. I may start to feel a little inkling of hunger by the afternoon, but am afraid to eat anything because I don’t want to upset my stomach again and then be running for the bathroom shortly thereafter yet again. My inability to eat during the day is just what I need to set me up for another binge the next night. So takes hold, the vicious cycle.