Day 10: A picture of a time in your life you remembering being really happy. How much does binging affect your mood?
I chose three. I am a bit of an overachiever, apparently 🙂 I found these three pictures while looking through some old ones that I had. Each of these moments, I remember being extremely happy and very content. They were at different points throughout the last 5 years or so…but all were really important times where I distinctly remember just really enjoying myself, and enjoying life.
The first picture: Scott and I went to a wedding of a friend that I’ve known since 6th grade. (This was before we were married) I remember this night very well actually. I was really looking forward to going. I remember eating a well-balanced meal, which was the first in a long time, and telling Scott that I ate it and didn’t even feel guilty/worried/anxious about it. It felt normal and good and I felt normal and good. There was an open bar, so we had access to wine and other drinks. I remember allowing myself to actually have alcohol (liquid calories were a big no-no for me) and Scott and I danced together. We had such a carefree-fun, joyous time with each other. It was like my eating disorder melted away and it was no longer a part of me. It felt really great to just have a fun time, without having the weight of the world on my shoulders.
The second picture: This, again, was another picture before we were married. We were sitting on the front porch at my parent’s house. My family and I just returned from a trip to Pennsylvania and Scott came by to see me, since I had been gone for a week or more and had really missed me. (And I missed him, too, obviously!) I remember I got him a really special gift while I was out there on vacation, I gave it to him and he absolutely loved it. He was so happy to see me and expressed just how much he missed me. It was such a wonderful feeling coming home to someone who loved me and missed me so much. In that moment, everything in the world just felt right.
The third picture: Again, this is a picture before we were married. And before we were even “officially” dating (there’s a long story behind this, so I won’t bore you with the details!). We were at the condo he and his mom were living at, it was a Sunday after church, and after we had gone with a group out to Olive Garden for lunch. I remember just being really happy with him right in that moment. We took so many pictures, we were trying to get some good, serious, smiling, happy ones. Then I think one of us said something funny, all the while Scott was just snapping away on the camera, and we captured this moment. I also remember being at a healthier weight at this point, too, in looking at other pictures (panned out) taken on the same day. I think this was before things with my eating disorder really took root. Sometimes it’s hard for me to remember what those days were like…
Binge eating, and my eating disorder in general, rip happiness away from me. I feel nothing but frustration, guilt, shame, anger, sadness, bitterness, etc. when I binge or when I let my eating disorder take control. I love feeling happy, I love feeling joyous and not weighted down. It’s a beautiful feeling to simply just live and be in the moment. Binging provides no amount of happiness, it does nothing but steal it away. These moments, the moments where I am truly happy, are the reason why I know I have to keep fighting. Each.and.every.day.