Here I am, looking at this big, giant cookie.
Daytime Elise, restrictive, anorexic Elise sees fear in the form of a cookie. I see all the unknown calories, grams of fat (especially the saturated!), amounts of sugar. I see the butter. I see fat. It’s a fear that seems so irrational, yet grabs hold of me with such crushing, all-encompassing power and never lets go. My curiosity gets the better of me. I have the ability to look up the nutrition facts, to get answers to all the ‘unknowns’ that float around in my brain. So, I do.
1 cookie 440 calories, 22 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams trans fat, 60 mg of cholesterol, 58 grams of carbs, 33 grams of sugar
I think of the girl, who after lunch, openly proclaimed that she was going to eat the whole sucker right then and there. After having a high calorie, high fat salad. (trust me, I looked) After having bread WITH butter. I look at her, thin, comfortable with what it is she eats. Enjoying her lunch. Then seeing that cookie and deciding confidently that she was going to eat it, and eat it all, in one sitting.
Nighttime Elise, binge-eating, all-caution-to-the-wind Elise sees the perfect, over-sized cookie to add into her binging food for the night. All those numbers above, all the calories, fat, grams of sugar…they mean absolutely nothing. All I want is to eat it, eat it quickly, and then eat some more after.
Happy Medium Elise sees the cookie as just that, a cookie. Nothing more, nothing loss. She sees the cookie as a sweet treat, a great end to a lunch, or the perfect sugar rush in the afternoon at work when you’re feeling like the day will never end. This happy medium Elise is the girl I want to be. I really believe that I can and will get there.