A secondary name for this post? A lot of random things thrown together haphazardly that really has no flow, no direction and no real “purpose” other than being a hodge-podge of life lately. See why I couldn’t go with that one? 😛 This post will be all over the place, with an attempt to make it somewhat coherent and not completely random. It’s time for some marvelousness. Let’s do this! (Thanks, as always, to Ms. Katie!)
I have long talked about wanting to get more into photography. As part of recovery, I wanted to learn to try new things and acquire new hobbies. Lately, I’ve been making so much use of my camera and I absolutely LOVE it. There is something so magical that just comes over me when I pick it up. Time just passes so quickly and I feel at total ease and peace (especially when I’m outside in nature!) It is such a fabulous feeling. I find that I want to go on little “adventures” and just go wherever and make use of my camera. I feel alive. I saw a few gorgeous sunsets this past week. Pure beauty.
One day this past week, instead of running, I decided to go outside and take pictures instead. Making that decision was so important for me in so many different ways. I have been struggling with the obsession of having to run and exercise. It has taken an unhealthy place in my life. Not only have I been pushing myself more than I should be (from a purely newbie runner standpoint) but even more so because I haven’t been on top of my refueling and nutrition with the amount of running I’ve been doing. Running has quickly become the most important thing in my day. Anything else that would threaten me NOT running, would get bumped from my day. I would choose running over meeting up with a friend or spending time with my family. While I realize that exercise is important and I truly have been loving running, I need to try and put things in perspective. This particular day after work, I came home, laced up my sneakers, got on the treadmill and started running. I went about 20 seconds when I stopped the treadmill, got off, took off my sneakers and decided to not run. Because I felt extremely anxious about not running and being at home by myself at a time when I’d be exercising (which has in the past led to a binge) I got myself out of the house, grabbing my camera before heading out. I went to a park near my house and although it was chilly out, I enjoyed it SO much. It was so peaceful, calming, and refreshing. The anxiety quickly dissipated and I felt so much more at ease.
Although I felt a little anxious later on about not running, I felt good about my decision and really did enjoy my time outside with my camera.
This week had been a pretty emotional week for me. I had some really crummy days, a lot resulting from feeling like things are spiraling out of control with my eating issues and exercise issues. (also, the weather had been particularly gloomy, too, which definitely didn’t help my already low spirits) It’s overwhelming just how much I let these things control my life. I have felt really despondent about life lately, thinking that I will never get things figured out and find that happy balance that I so desperately crave. But despite that feeling of hopelessness, I never give up the idea that I can succeed, someday. I keep trying. Yes, I know that I have a long way to go and that things are difficult, but I have to hold out that hope that things will improve. I can never give up that hope.
On Friday at work, my coworker gave me some “tough love”. Which was timed pretty perfectly, since I was already feeling so reflective the last few days. Perhaps reflective isn’t the best word choice. It was more like really aggravated and mad and frustrated and simply really sick of the situation that I keep putting myself in. For the first time, I had the “revelation” that I am so mean to myself. I essentially “abuse” my body, and I really didn’t understand what I did to deserve that type of treatment of myself. I actually started to feel guilty for treating myself so horribly, for so long. I have never felt that way before. I always thought I “deserved” it, I guess. But I finally had the realization that I am downright cruel to myself and for no real reason. So between really analyzing those thoughts, and the thoughts that my coworker shared with me about my health, about reaching out to friends and family who are there for me and will do anything and everything they can to help me, about truly living life and not being stuck in a state of miser-ability. He implored me to start treating myself better, with love and care, and to reach out to the people that want nothing but the best for me. It was a really important conversation for me and I felt like it really added to my thought process of figuring out what really matters and learning to take care of myself. The thoughts, I hope, will start translating more and more into actions as well.
After work, I came home and did zero exercise. I was worn out, from a long week, and Fridays are typically my rest days anyway. Scott came home and crashed on the floor a bit, since he’s been working overtime, going in early and staying late at work. I don’t know how he does it. He was so exhausted. We snuggled a bit with the kitties. 🙂
Friday night Scott and I decided we’d watch Passion of the Christ. I had seen it before in the theater with my mom when it first came out, and perhaps another time with my family once before. But it had been years. Scott never saw it before. So I thought it would be something good for us to watch together. Our spirituality had recently taken quite a blow, but we both had talked and decided that we really want to work on that a bit more now. We have a lot of questions to different beliefs and doctrine, etc. and have really decided that we want to work to find those answers and establish a basis for what we want to define as our “faith”. We are even studying different topics with a couple that we both respect and appreciate a lot who we’ve known for years (he actually gave our wedding talk) in order to explore different beliefs and fundamentals of religion. The movie, again, blew me away. It is so painfully hard to watch, but I don’t think I’d want it to be any other way. Reading the words in the Bible of what Jesus went through virtually mean nothing as far as the ability to paint a picture of what he went through. To see it put into something visual and “brought to life” is so intensely overwhelming and moving. I can’t quite explain the effect it had on me, but it was a wonderful cushion to the conversation I had with my coworker. He, although not very religious, mentioned the importance of turning to God and realizing that he has a bigger picture for us and our lives than we can even imagine. I know some may question or doubt this, but I really do believe that working on my relationship with God and Jesus will help me in my recovery. I’m not here to preach nor argue my reasoning for why I feel that way, and it really isn’t of anyone else’s concern other than my own, but I believe that or at least entertain the possibility that it could help.
Friday I also started blowing my nose and sneezing like crazy..which carried over into Saturday as well. I’m not sure if it was allergies (even though I’ve never struggled with allergies before) or sinuses or what. I felt pretty fine otherwise. In honor of the fact that I’m no longer trying to push myself with running, I settled for running four miles Saturday…instead of my 12 that I would have hoped to log. I actually probably shouldn’t have fun at all, given how I wasn’t feeling 100%, but I felt good with what I did. After my run, I went and snuggled in the sun next to Dexter. It felt SO nice. I could have stayed there the rest of the day! 😀
I finally got myself off the floor. 🙂 Since Scott had to help his mom with some things during the day, I had the whole day to myself pretty much. I decided even though I didn’t feel all that great, once the sun came out, I needed to get out and enjoy the sunshine. I went up to Port Washington and took some pictures! It was still a bit chilly, and SUPER windy, but the sun was shining and it felt pretty decent, so I wanted to get outside a bit.
After finishing up there, I was absolutely exhausted. I think I may have pushed myself a teensie bit too much without feeling 100%. I got home and immediately plopped myself on the couch to rest a bit. Scott came home shortly after and did the exact same thing. We had initially planned to go out that night and do something fun, but he hadn’t slept well the night before, was busy during the day, and was completed drained, plus I wasn’t feeling that great either. So we rested up a bit, watched Parks and Recreation, then decided to get our grocery shopping done so we’d have Sunday more open. I don’t know if it was because we were overtired or what, but we got a little loopy…Scott put on a hat in his closet and I about died of laughter..I had the brilliant idea that he should wear it out in public. He didn’t want to, but I literally begged him, he finally agreed, and then told me I had to find a hat to wear out too that looked completely ridiculous so we could look fabulous together. 😀
I was a rockin’ fur trapper and Scott was a ruggedly handsome cowboy. We.are.awesome. I actually looked pretty fabulous (not going to lie) in my hat, and flew under the radar a bit more than Scott did with his hat. He definitely got some looks, and the pair of us definitely got some looks, too. It was hilarious and really fun and I think that was the most fun I’ve ever had grocery shopping…and I really love grocery shopping.
We spent the rest of the evening watch Parks and Rec and snuggling with the kitties. Seriously, we love this show. Best night. Sunday morning I had a nice slow wake up. I was feeling much better (not blowing my nose non-stop and no more sneezing! I made us some waffles (I can’t tell you the last time I made waffles!) for breakfast. Since I store the waffle maker in a cabinet that never gets opened, Dexter was SO excited and immediately jumped in 😀
After breakfast, Scott and I went antler hunting with the pup. Yes, antler hunting! It’s something that Scott did with his uncle who lives out in Ohio (and I actually have, too!). He got the idea from him, since his uncle is huge into antler hunting. We returned empty-handed but it was sure nice to be outside in the sunny, mid-50 degree weather. It felt SO nice! 😀 Afterward, I went for a three mile run, then got ready for church. The rest of the night? You guessed it. Some snuggling and R&R. It was SUCH good weekend. My mood dramatically improved by the weekend and I made some really great, healthy choices for myself this weekend and I feel really proud of that. But I think what is even more important is the mindset change that’s taken place. I feel happy and optimistic going forward. What a great weekend it was! Ready to start a new week! ❤