I just wanted to take some time to share some thoughts that have been on my mind a lot lately. So here goes…
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my life and what it is I’m looking for. I really don’t have a clear idea of what I want from life, in a full sense. I was thinking about my recovery and what helps motivate me. I find that when I’m able to get excited about life, I lose focus on the eating disorder, on the food and the binging, and what I should or shouldn’t eat and focus on something else, something that provides me with a sense of happiness or satisfaction. I don’t have many hobbies or things that I can do that I get really, truly excited about. Work is work. It’s a job, and nothing more to me. Yes, it’s a good job, a great job even..but it doesn’t provide me with any real personal satisfaction or enjoyment. I feel the most alive when I experience life. I have never felt so alive before, than on the trip I took out to Colorado. There was something magical about being out there, something I’ve never experienced before and something I can’t quite put into words. I felt so happy, I fully enjoyed myself and I felt submersed into a “new world” that I haven’t experienced before. I miss that feeling so much.
I go to work Monday through Friday each week. I get up in the morning, get dressed, go to work, come home, do things around the house, eat dinner, relax for the evening, go to bed, then begin the process again the next day. Weekends allow a little more time for enjoyment and being able to do things, but even then there are the errands that need to be done which cuts into being able to do much. Granted, I have a great job and I am forever thankful for that, but I know there is more that I need and crave. I love traveling. I love going somewhere new and experiencing new things and areas. I love taking photos and being outside and in nature and just enjoying life.
I feel like I play it so safe all of the time. And while that is good and safe, it leaves me feeling like I’m missing out. After coming back from our trip to Colorado, the desire to pick up our things and move out there was so dang appealing to me. I’m not 100% sure why. I think a lot of it had to do with me just falling in love with the beauty out there. I felt something truly magical there and it felt so good. I think I’m used to always playing things “safe” and I worry about not taking risks or chances in life. I worry that I’ll stay here in Wisconsin, in this job for the next 30+ years until I retire. I don’t want that. I know it would be easy, I know it would be safe. But I don’t know if that is what I want for my life.
While that may just not be plausible now, to up and leave, I want it to be plausible in my future. The only thing really keeping me here is my parents. They are my strongest anchors here. I know it may not make sense but there is something just so amazing and exciting and awesome about experiencing life and being able to see what this world has to offer. There is so much beauty that this country alone has and I have seen so little of it. All I want to do is take it all in and experience as much of it as possible. That is what truly makes me feel free. That is what provides me with happiness and excitement and that itch to live. In recovery, we’re instructed to try and find what we’d like our life to be like, sans eating disorder. I want to explore. I want to not always make the safe choice, just because it is…well, safe. I want to be afraid of the risks, but still take those risks anyway. I want to get excited about things in life and not just get through each day feeling ‘pretty good’. I want to have that fire burn inside of me, waiting for the next adventure to begin. I just don’t want to live with regrets…wishing I would have done more or seen more while I was young and in good health. You can always have the excuse “I’ll just do that later” and keep pushing it off until the “time is right”. My thought is, why can’t the time be ‘right’ now? Will the time ever be ideal or perfect? Most likely not. If you’re waiting for the ‘right’ or ‘perfect moment’ before doing something, it will never happen. I’ll sit by and watch year after year pass me by…just getting older and older.
So I’m not sure what that fully means for me. Maybe Scott and I will try and travel more together. But, he doesn’t have much vacation time to really accommodate that idea. So I think I may entertain the idea of traveling on my own a bit. I did it for the first time when I went to Philadelphia. I loved it. Also, I won’t always travel by plane either, and will try and find things in WI or closer to WI that I could drive to and do short, overnight trips to as well. Maybe I could even bring some friends along, too. I’m not really sure yet. I don’t have it all ironed out or worked out yet. I just know that I need a change and I need to start doing more of what provides me with happiness and excitement. Otherwise, I’ll go through my life never truly living or experiencing life. I’ll stay at my current job and be a claims adjuster for the next 30 years, with no outside life other than what I have right now. I know that that is not what I want for my life. So, we’ll see what this means and how the future unfolds for me. All I can say is that I’m excited to see what happens next!